Processing life and death today. Got the call that my grandma (mom's mom) passed away this morning and while it was imminent and expected, the official call is never easy.
We spent this weekend away from home at a family gathering of my first dad's family. My dad was killed in a plane crash when I was three, and spending time with his family when possible is very important to me. They are all scattered far and wide so gatherings don't happen easily or often. This was the first time many of them had met our boys. I know that especially for my grandparents, it's significant to see the extension of Dan's blood. Grandma is constantly on the lookout for the matching brown eyes or the chubby thighs and cheeks.
Today I'm feeling like I'm grieving life spent with, and life spent without. I grieve my Grandma's passing because of the wonderful life I have had with her in it. I remember things like how she always had strawberries picked and ready at the table when I'd come to visit as she knew they were my favorite. I remember the food she cooked so artfully, and the jokes she cracked often. I remember her garden, her laugh, and her smell. I remember the way she held my boys and just laughed from sheer joy.
I grieve my dad today because of my life spent without him. Seeing his family love my boys creates such an ache for him to have known them. Seeing my uncles who bear such resemblance to dad but are not him. Hearing camping trip stories about him, but not being able to hear his voice or his side of the story. Hearing the pride in grandpa's voice as he looked at our new vehicle and said "your daddy bought a mazda too. He would have liked this car". Watching through the window at Mitch and my uncle deep in conversation, wishing Mitch could have had dad's approval too.
Ah. Today is a grieving day. The Lord gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
How tough, Josie. Loss can take so many forms. Thinking of you as process both of these.
ReplyDeleteAs I observed my son Tyler worshiping in church this Sunday, hands raise(albeit somewhat conservatively as a 16 year old might,) and I saw the sincerity on his face, I saw his Dad as well in my mind's eye. He happened to be standing in the same spot Dwayne always stood, and the older Tyler gets the more he resembles his father, both physically and in character. After church Ralph G. told me he too had been watching Tyler and couldn't help but think how proud his dad would have been of him and how proud he may very well be of him, as he watches from heaven.
ReplyDeleteJosie, I never met your dad, but I imagine that your dad was a man of great character and as I have gotten to know you I can't help but think that your Dad would be so proud of you.