Perfect?

The way our dining area is set up in our house, we have a nice bay window-type area to look into our back yard.  Because our fence is not finished yet, we can see right into the neighbor's garage when it's open.  We have sat at the dinner table and seen them finishing their yard, visiting with neighbors, building a fence, etc.  It is a young married couple with a young son, maybe 3 or 4 years old.  Yeah yeah, I'm a creeper...whatever.

This morning while Tyler and I were having lunch, they left the house and had the garage door opened for a bit.  Inside I noticed a calendar of a mostly naked women.  Cue rant.

Here's the thing.  I suppose you could argue with me and tell me it's not a big deal - a man's garage is his domain, his place to decorate how he chooses.  And as I type this, please don't hear me attacking just this one guy.  It's a much larger issue, and he just happens to be the lighting rod.  I know nothing about him...I'm sure he's a great guy.  I just hate the picture.  I hate the fact that society says it's ok to enjoy looking at other women's bodies - even while committed to a wife.  I'm struggling a lot with my body looking much different after two boys than it did before, and this gets me right revved up.  If my husband had a picture hanging up in that garage here's what it would say to me: "I wish she looked like this".  Or, "because she doesn't look like this, I'll look at it instead".  Hello, compounding insecurities.  

Women aren't perfect in this either.  I've heard even non-smutty romance novels being called porn for women because it creates an ideal in our heads about what the perfect man would do.  We get this picture in our minds and are disappointed every time our husband doesn't live up to it.  It's not a physical picture of a naked woman, but I think it can be equally hurtful or detrimental.

So what do you love about your spouse?  This is not about what you want to change - just what you appreciate.  Hang that picture in your garage.  Keep it in your wallet.  Entertain thoughts about it during the day.  Love is not about trying to attain perfection in the other person but about enjoying who they are right now.  

So the story goes...

Ha.  Do you know how many more pages views I've had since I posted last?  Waiting for a story, perhaps?  Stay tuned...it just may come.

Anyway.

Life just keeps flying by.  Logan is almost six months, Tyler will be three in just a few short months, and I feel like it's all passed in a blink or two.  My boys are growing!

My boys.  MY boys.  My BOYS.  I love saying that.  I love my two little and quickly growing sons.  Tyler for the most part completely ignores Logan, but Logan absolutely adores everything Tyler does and will shriek and squawk at him until acknowledged.  Which leads to a lot of squawking as Tyler will go out of his way to ignore.

I was given an extremely generous gift just over a year ago and with it I decided to buy a nice camera.  I am so thankful for this gift and also for the fact that I decided to spend it on something worthwhile (in my opinion).  I'm loving experimenting and capturing pictures just a little nicer of my family than what I could have done with my point and shoot.  Here are what some of our days look like

 Ha, just kidding.

...mostly.

Once in a lifetime

I helped to deliver my friend's beautiful baby boy yesterday morning.  In her bedroom with only myself and her husband there.  It was a miracle, and one of the scariest things I've ever done.  Just had to say it.  Absolutely incredible.  If you know them, I'll let them tell you the rest of the story. (And no, it was not planned.)

List

My mom recently posted a list of 50 on her blog...just a random list.  I will assume this is age related and will post my list of 26.

Mitch reading books to Tyler before bed
Botched soup
Winter boots
Intense love for my iPhone
Popcorn
Having a nice camera to take nice pictures with
Starbucks
Reconnecting with old friends
Christmas decorations
Church membership
Online shopping
Hearing stories about Jesus from my son
Memorizing (or trying to) the sermon on the mount
Laundry
Long arduous potty training
More laundry
Happy husband
Judgement verses grace
New Girl
The need for new furniture
Ticket to Ride
Routines
Teaching Tyler to love indie music
My wonderful beautiful blessings of boys
Dreams of teaching piano again
The anticipation of Costco

It's ok?

Learning lots about forgiveness from my two year old this week.

It started when he broke a vase.  He, after being told not to, threw a kids chair at a large ceramic vase I had sitting beside our tv.  It shattered as it hit the floor, and I did my best not to over react.  I asked Tyler to say sorry to me for breaking the vase because it had happened as a result of him not listening.  He dutifully said that he was sorry to me, and I responded with "it's ok".  Tyler heard this and repeated "yeah.  It's ok that I broke your vase mommy."

Hm. Not what I meant, but exactly what those words would mean to a two year old.

After this event and a few others where Tyler responded very similarly, Mitch and I decided that a better response to an apology is the obvious one - I forgive you.  Have you tried actually saying this after an apology?  Especially after somewhat glib ones?  Saying "I forgive you" means that you should mean and feel forgiveness.  I find it's also a hard phrase to hear.  Hearing someone respond with forgiveness means you've actually done something that warranted that forgiveness.  Saying "it's ok" feels like a much easier thing both to say and hear.  It's more of a brush off.

So that's been our challenge this week.  I'm trying to take it to heart in my marriage and other relationships as well.  Pondering what it means both to forgive, and also to ask for forgiveness.  Not to brush off what is hurtful but to deal with it in my heart and with others and be able to move on.

If only my Tyler knew the things he teaches me.

Oh!

...Hello October.

Him

These pictures says more words than I ever could.  When you marry, the first thing you think of (I'm assuming more than just myself) is how they will love you forever and what life will look like with the two of you side by side.  And then you have kids and realize that the spouse you chose is not just going to be in your life as a spouse, but also as a parent to your child.  And I could not have been given a greater gift...a man who loves me, and is the most wonderful WONDERFUL father.  Love him.

Healthy

Came away from church fired up today.  We've attended church very sporadically this summer, I'm ashamed to say.  Between weekend trips and young kids and full schedules, we haven't been there as much as we should have.  I for many year expressed frustration over young families who don't "commit" to church and only show up for half the sundays out of a month.  I hang my head and admit misguided judgement as I also raise my hand to now being one of those families.

That being said, this sunday we did attend, and I'm so thankful.  A churchwide challenge was given to start looking inwards at our own lives.  Grow.  Change.  Seek Jesus.  Simple, yet difficult.  I'm ready.

I expressed this need to Mitch a few weeks back - how do we teach Jesus to our kids without living it?  I mean, we don't actively NOT live for Jesus, but we certainly are complacent.  Easy.  Comfortable.  Not in the place I want to be.

So, just as I put it out there that I was going to start running (which I did), I'm also putting it publicly that it's time for a head shake.  I'm on board with this church vision.  I'm excited and feeling challenged.      I'm ready to start leading worship again.  I'm feeling renewed in the direction we're taking in devotions. I want my relationship with my husband and children to reflect Christ's love.

Yep.  Let's do it.

Life with, life without

Processing life and death today.  Got the call that my grandma (mom's mom) passed away this morning and while it was imminent and expected, the official call is never easy.

We spent this weekend away from home at a family gathering of my first dad's family.  My dad was killed in a plane crash when I was three, and spending time with his family when possible is very important to me.   They are all scattered far and wide so gatherings don't happen easily or often.  This was the first time many of them had met our boys.  I know that especially for my grandparents, it's significant to see the extension of Dan's blood.  Grandma is constantly on the lookout for the matching brown eyes or the chubby thighs and cheeks.

Today I'm feeling like I'm grieving life spent with, and life spent without.  I grieve my Grandma's passing because of the wonderful life I have had with her in it.  I remember things like how she always had strawberries picked and ready at the table when I'd come to visit as she knew they were my favorite.  I remember the food she cooked so artfully, and the jokes she cracked often.  I remember her garden, her laugh, and her smell.  I remember the way she held my boys and just laughed from sheer joy.

I grieve my dad today because of my life spent without him.  Seeing his family love my boys creates such an ache for him to have known them.  Seeing my uncles who bear such resemblance to dad but are not him.  Hearing camping trip stories about him, but not being able to hear his voice or his side of the story.  Hearing the pride in grandpa's voice as he looked at our new vehicle and said "your daddy bought a mazda too.  He would have liked this car".  Watching through the window at Mitch and my uncle deep in conversation, wishing Mitch could have had dad's approval too.

Ah. Today is a grieving day.  The Lord gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Right and Wrong

Ok can I vent for a second?

Is every single food you can buy in the grocery store dangerous?  Organic is expensive, but apparently all other fruit is toxic or genetically modified. Apparently vegetable oil is bad for you because of how processed it is, but I know from personal experience that olive oil tastes terrible in cupcakes.
When I take Tyler outside, should I clothe him from head to toe?  Because the sun causes cancer, but apparently so does sunscreen.  Deoderant is being linked to breast cancer, but I don't have time or desire to slather my armpits with a paste of baking soda, and I really would prefer to not stink.  Someone recently told me that all meat causes cancer and our bodies are not really meant to process meat anyway so we shouldn't put it into our systems.  On and on it goes.

So seriously.  How on earth do I feel good about feeding my family and caring for my children when every single decision I make seems to be proven detrimental somehow?  I do not want to be a vegan.  I'm sure it's the right decision for some people, but I neither desire to do it nor do I feel capable.  Also, we enjoy meat.  And cooked stuff.

I'm really not asking for arguments here.  Don't tell me I'm a terrible mother because the milk I buy might have hormones in it or the chicken we eat didn't grow up free range.  I just want to know how on earth we're supposed to survive when apparently every single thing in the grocery store is out to kill us. I believe in feeding my family fresh food as much as possible.  I stay away from processed when I can because I would prefer to bake my own pizza dough or things like that.  I buy into the marketing ploy that is "smart KD" because no preservatives or false colours sounds good to me and I like kraft dinner.  But really.  I sometimes feel like all this information is too much.  There is no possible way to decide the "right" thing to do.  You can't tell me that cutting out everything in your diet except fruit and veggies grown in your own garden is legitimately healthy.  Or maybe you can...but don't.  I won't believe you.  Also, I live in a place where I would starve all winter unless we develop a greenhouse in our basement.  ARGH.

So anyway.  Don't soap box me.  I just needed to vent.

Bandwagon blogging

Ok, I'll jump on!
20 random facts:

1. I love lists.  Pretty excited about the next 19 facts.
2. Almost every day Tyler and I listen to "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers and dance around the house while we clean.  Singing the chorus with him makes me tear up every. single. time. Go listen to it.
3. I am a beyond horrible dancer and have passed down my moves to my son.  Sorry to any future dates.  He comes by the strange flapping honestly.
4. I don't wear makeup because I have no idea how to apply it.  I either come away looking gothic, bruised, or like I'm still not wearing any.
5. When I was a child, I used to think of how I would confront an intruder should they ever venture into our home.  It always resulted in me confronting the crap out of them and them backing down because of my sharp wit and solid reasoning as to why they should not kidnap me.  It still gives me a little thrill thinking of a confrontation of such magnitude.
6. I have no problems with confrontation.
7. I cannot play sports...not because of lack of will, but because my competitive nature is seriously detrimental to my non-existent athletic abilities.
8. I am terrible at keeping in contact.  I know who my true friends are by how graciously they excuse the fact that I almost never phone or email back.  I prefer spontanious communication and feel loved when those close to me understand and respond in kind.
9.  I would love to be able to write as well as my mom.
10. There are three friendships from my past that I am haunted by. Strong words, but true. I think about them almost daily, though it has been over 10 years since those friendships thrived.  I dwell in the past and wish desperately that they were a part of my present.
11. I got married at 19 and have not once regretted doing so at such a young age.
12.  I say dumb things like "but they're so young"! when I hear of others getting married at a similar age.
13. I love to sing.  If I had to pick a voice I would like to sound like, it would either be Adele, or the girl from the Civil Wars.
14. My sock drawer is a mess of old and mismatched socks.  It drives Mitch bonkers, but does not faze me at all.
15. I call the drawer in my kitchen that holds my utensils my "glory drawer".  Because that's what my mother called hers and there really is no better name.
16. Being late - for anything - makes me incredibly antsy.  Our friends joke that if we're not at least 5 minutes early, we're basically late by my standards.
17. My parents bought me a horse when I was 15.  Best. parents. ever.
18. When I was in grade 5 I orchestrated a prank on my teacher for April fools in which the class replaced the coffee in his covered mug with soy sauce.  I wasn't sure if he'd laugh or expel me. Thankfully he laughed.
19. I have an obsession with new books.  Not buying new books...but keeping books looking brand new.  A creased cover makes me sad.
20. While I am a procrastinator to the nth degree, both my boy's baby books are up to date.

What I wasn't

I wasn't a perfect mom today.  We spent the entire morning in front of the tv watching olympics instead of cleaning up.  Tyler asked for a snack right after not finishing his breakfast and I gave it to him.  The closest we got to playing outside was venturing into the garage for a bit of trike riding, which lasted 5 min.  I let Tyler watch Curious George in the afternoon even though I had already let him far surpass his normal screen time in the morning.  I didn't give Tyler his normal scheduled quiet time in his room, opting instead to let him play with a friend.  I didn't do a single load of laundry.

Not a single timeout was given today.

Seems like we both needed to break the rules a bit today...

On the road again

I am going to start running again tonight.  There.  I posted it online which apparently stays out there forever so I'd BETTER be truthful.

The last time I ran was the official 5k run for the children's hospital (the whole reason I started running in the first place).  I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so dizzy while running that week.  It was only a few days after the race that I found out we were pregnant!  1st trimester kind of kicked my butt and running got demoted in priority in my life...ended up on the list next to wearing skinny jeans or staying awake past 9pm - not gonna happen.

I was actually really surprised how much I missed running while pregnant.  Some days I felt like I was literally craving it.  I'm now 6 weeks and 2 days postpartum and I keep hearing that 6 weeks is a good timeframe to wait before indulging in physical activity.  I'll start slow and tell myself I'm doing it for the good of my body so I don't feel discouraged when I end up sucking wind and walking after the first 25 seconds.  Not sure where this running thing will take me this time as I don't have a distance goal or a race deadline.  Well I guess there's always the little baby weight issue that I could use as motivation... :)

So anyway.  Tonight's the night!

vacation needed

The last few weeks have not been fun.  Well...maybe 'fun' isn't the right word, but not sure how else to phrase it. 

When Logan was 3 weeks old, we had a routine visit with the midwife.  During the visit she noticed that his breathing rate was really high...up around the 80 mark.  Babies should breath between 40 and 60 times per minute, so this was not good.  She listening to him for a long time and when the rate didn't drop, she told me to wait until he was asleep, check again, and if it hadn't changed take him to emergency. 

Um...de ja vu.  Tyler was 3 weeks when we were encouraged to do the exact same thing.

Needless to say, I felt pretty panicky.  I waited until he was alseep, counted his breathing again and again, and came up with around 80 each time.  Called my mom to watch Tyler, called Mitch, and off to emergency we went.  They were great in peds, and as soon as they heard that we already had a child with heart problems they sent Logan through the big tests - hooking him up to oxygen, monitoring heart, chest x-ray, etc.  It felt like a night mare.  This was not something I ever wanted to repeat.  A few hours in, they determined that he had fluid in his lungs (probably from birth) and this could be causing the fast breathing.  They said it would likely clear up, no need to be worried, but to come back to emergency tomorrow for followup.  After going back the next day we heard the same thing - could be an erratic breather, could be from fluid, actually not quite sure, but go home, it'll clear up, and he'll be fine.

Now at this same time we had also noticed something else that we were concerned about.  Logan was born with a sacral dimple at the base of his spine.  This can be nothing, and it can also be a sign of spina bifida.  We were scheduled in for an ultrasound to check into it. 

A week after our trip to emerg, Logan's breathing rate still hadn't gone down.  After all our issues with Tyler and assuming at the beginning that nothing was actually wrong, I really didn't want to take that chance with Logan.  We were referred to a pediatrician and went to see her the next day.  She took a look at Logan and suggested that we go for a cardio appointment, and possibly another chest xray. 

We were able to get into cardio the next day (again, likely because of Tyler's history).  Praise the Lord, it came back clear.  The next day we went back to the hospital for the ultrasound.  The pediatrician had also noticed some other suspicious signs pointing towards spina bifida so I did not go into the appointment feeling confident.  The appointment itself did nothing to ease my worry as they spoke in hushed tones, couldn't tell me anything about what they saw, and then proceeded to make us wait 9 days for the results.  Apparently the results got lost somewhere and had to be re-requested. 

Those nine days wore terrible.  We looked at Logan with no idea if he was healthy.  We didn't feel like we had the energy to handle another sick child. 

This past friday we got the phone call that he's all clear.  Praise the Lord.  I have spent the last 3 weeks in a pretty constant state of worry.  It seems that his breathing rate has gone down, though we still have nothing confirmed as to what was really going on.  His dimple and other possible signs are all harmless.  Deep breath.

This week has been BLAZING hot here and without AC, we've been forced out of our house and over to Mitch's parent's place where there is a wonderful backyard, kids' pool, and AC.  It has been a really good time of relaxing, regrouping, and rest.  So thankful for madatory stillness.  It's been needed for all of us.  Mitch's mom has been cooking for us, giving me a hand with the boys, and just being good support. 

So today I reflect again on what I'm thankful for.  Beautiful HEALTHY boys, great family, a rock of a husband who walks beside me, wonderful hot weather, and a gracious God who will not give us more than we can stand.

Forget me nots

-The way Tyler's voice sounded so sad when he said goodnight to Logan and then mentioned to me after: "He didn't say goodnight back to me!"

-The moments when I expect that the quiet in the other room means mischief, and when I peek I find Tyler quietly reading a book.

-The way Tyler leaned over Logan yesterday to move his hand to hold the toy he had just placed on his chest to play with

-Every morning around 6am when Logan will not settle unless he's brought into bed with us for the last hour of sleep.

-The way Mitch always turns towards him when I bring Logan into bed to just...watch.

-"Heyyyyy Logan Logan Logan" as Tyler runs through the house looking for him

-Morning breakfast conversations

-Seeing flashes of Tyler in Logan's eyes at the same time as distinct differences

-The pure pleasure I feel when I refer to them as "my boys".

-Hearing Tyler talk to himself and say "mommy loves me sooooo much!"

On having two

So it's Friday of my first week home alone.  Mitch was able to take one week off work which was such a blessing.  Sunday night of last week I bawled my eyes out (exactly the same scenario as when Tyler was born...) but it's been a really good week on my own.  I'm loving having two.  Especially two boys! It's not even an indifferent "I'm glad we have Logan and he just happens to be a boy"...it's a LOVE of being able to call them "the boys" and hearing Tyler talk about being and having a brother, and hearing my husband refer to his sons.  And watching Logan's squishy face as Tyler vigorously hugs him, and shares his most special and beloved item in the whole world with him - his blanket. Oh blessings.

I love having a newborn and toddler at the same time.  It means I get to chat about everything under the sun with my big guy as we make breakfast together and then pick up my littlest boy and cuddle him as I build blocks with the other hand.  I get the still of the early morning with quiet and curious big blue eyes staring at me after feeding, and then 20 minutes later I get a gleeful good morning and excitement exclaimed "mommy's awake!!" as I climb out of bed.  I get to watch the tenderness of my husband as he lays on the floor next to Logan to make eye contact, and then see the energy he loves to spend as he indulges in Tyler's requests (again and again) "Daddy, hide!"  or "Daddy catch me!" or "Daddy play 'you can't get past me!'".

There have definitely been a few growing pains as our family stretches to include one more member, as a two year old used to being the centre of many people's universe is adjusting to sharing the spotlight, as his parents get used to much less sleep, as I'm still not really able to leave the house with two to do much more than drive, but these things are normal.  Every day is better than the last and I woke up this morning feeling so good.  5 hours of sleep straight between a night feed may have helped, but that's beside the point.

I don't feel like I'm in a hurry to rush anything these days.  The house will get cleaned when I feel up to it.  I will master the art of keeping house, cleaning, cooking, and mothering two eventually.  For now I'm just going to concentrate on mothering two.  On playing with blocks, colouring, feeding, adoring, reading books, and making sure I remember to eat lunch.  Before 2:00.  And loving, loving, loving.

I do.  I just love my life.

New Member

Logan Samuel graced us with his presence on June 4th!  It has been such a wonderful week so far of having Mitch home with me and the boys as we get accustomed to life with two.  I'm pretty nervous to be on my own next week, but both boys have been great so far so hopefully things continue.

Labour was WAY different than with Tyler.  This time around I had woken up around 6am hearing Mitch getting ready for work.  I felt my first contraction after I had woken up but assumed it was false labour as I had the exact same thing happen two days ago.  However when the second contraction came 7 minutes later, I went to tell Mitch that though I wasn't sure, it was possible that our baby was on it's way.  We decided he should go to work anyway as he works close and I was unsure if this was anything.  However, within a very short period my contractions were suddenly 5 minutes apart and I realized that things were moving quickly!  My mom rushed over to watch Tyler,  Mitch came home from work, we called our midwife, and headed to the hospital.  By the time we got there at 7:20 I was having contractions only a minute apart. Logan was born at 9:29am after a fairly easy labour.  I don't mean easy as in painless...I still wanted to die, but at least it was short lived!  He weighed in at 10 pounds 13 ounce.  Seriously.  An almost 11 pound baby!  We knew that they were thinking this baby might be big, but wow.  That's big!  They checked him immediately for diabetes, but thankfully everything was clear.

We were told that there were no hospital rooms available as apparently the beginning of June is the fashionable time for babies to arrive.  I was feeling really good so we opted to just go home.  Some think we're a little nuts for making that decision, but I'm SO glad we did.  We picked up lunch on our way home, were home by just after noon, and spent all my recovery time at home.  If possible, I would do it again that way in a heart beat.  It's so much more relaxing to be in your own home.

Logan is a wonderful baby.  He sleeps wonderfully and is such a little sweetheart.  Tyler has been great too.  There is some definite adjusting going on, but I expect this is normal for any first born.  He he soft and attentive and SO sweet towards Logan and is always interested in what's going on. I love it that we have two boys...raising brothers is going to be so much fun.  We feel SO blessed.

Another day

These days are tough.  I'm 38 weeks today and feeling every single one of those weeks.  I'm so thankful to be home on mat leave now as it allows me to give my full attention to Tyler, but I feel like I'm even sucking at that.  My pelvis is apparently all out of whack so I can't hold him and have to be really careful when I move or it goes all haywire and I can't walk.
Potty training has commenced and I thought we were in the clear...until this weekend when we backslid almost all the way back to the beginning.  I do not like cleaning up pee, but especially don't like doing it while pregnant.  Bending over this many times a day is tricky!  Hm...maybe I'll just start doing one large pee clean a day.  Just watch where you step when you come over.

What I'm really struggling with is that I'm waiting so anxiously for the pregnancy period to be over - but every now and then am reminded that this is actually the easier part...still only having one child, sleeping through the night, leaving the house, etc etc.  I feel like bracing hard.  Batten down the hatches,  here comes more!!

Ok.  I'm excited for our #2.  Thrilled.  Can't wait to see Tyler as a big brother and can't wait to have another baby in our home.  I just...don't feel like I'm coping well with this waiting part.

All right, done complaining.  Life really is good...some days are just hard.

'Preciate it

I had a rather notable encounter the other day.  My midwife appointments are at the hospital (it's where their offices are) and after an appointment one afternoon I was walking back to my car.  It was parked on a side street, and as I was nearing the block it was parked on, a man and woman stepped out of an alleyway and started walking in front of me.  I'm not gonna lie...they didn't look super...'reputable'.  I noticed that almost right away, the lady started turning around and glancing at me.  It was nothing to be scared of, but I'll admit it made me just ever so slightly cautious.  No one likes to be stared at, right?  After at least 4 or 5 glances from the lady, she stepped off the sidewalk, taking the man with her, and stopped walking.  They just stood there staring at me.  I was feeling just a little more nervous at that point, until I overheard their conversation.  The man seemed to be as confused as I was, and asked (not happily) "WHAT are you doing?"  To which the woman replied "we're smoking and she's pregnant!  We shouldn't be smoking in front of her!" and waved at me to pass them.  

I know this is a small little event, but such an appreciated courtesy...and honestly a rare one.  Many thanks to those of you who take the time to take a look around.

On being protective

I took Tyler to the park yesterday...and almost had a heart attack.  I'm quite sure anyone watching me would have thought I had 6 strokes and was stung by a bee and stubbed my toe hard...I gave all the proper facial reactions I would assume comes with each.  Ok, I seriously have taken Tyler to the park before.  Lots of times!  But yesterday was a gorgeous day and he's older and can play on his own and the park was PACKED.  With kids.  Who do things like push my kid down the slide when he's not ready and   throw wood chips in his face and kick him in the head when he's under them and they go across the jungle gym.  And also shout things like "I'm going to KILL YOU" (not AT my son, but close to him), and "oh my GAWD", and other things I really don't want my two year old to pick up.

And all this time I made myself stand to the side.  If Tyler wasn't crying, I wasn't going to interfere.  Hence all the "I'm dying in many ways" faces.

I know.  I KNOW that I'm a protective mom.  Mitch met up with us halfway through and he breezed through the rest of the park experience completely unaffected and unconcerned.  But still.  Experiences like these make me think that I'm going to have to get really gung ho about home schooling because I will never survive public school where I can't control what my child hears, learns, how he's treated, or how he treats others.  I WANT AN OVERREACTIVE BUBBLE!

So I'm not really serious (like...I am, but I'm not going to home school) so how to deal with outside influences?  How do I cope with my need to control nature?  Prayer, prayer, prayer.

Mitch and I have prayed for Tyler every night since before he was born and will continue to do that with him and our other children.  We will cover them with prayer, entrusting them to Jesus.  I will continue to make my stroke faces, because though it's hard, I will make myself stand back while he faces the big world out there.  I will acknowledge the importance of being a light to the darkness, which we cannot do in a bubble.

I don't know where I heard this quote, but somewhere I read that having children is like making your heart walk around unprotected outside of your body.   So true.

Oh (big) baby!

Had a bit of a scare last week...I had an appointment with my midwife who told me that the people from the second ultrasound called and expressed concerns over the fact that baby #2 went from being in the 50th percentile in size at the first ultrasound to the 95th percentile 5 or 6 weeks later when I went in for my second ultrasound. Um...can you say growth spurt?? So the first and main concern when something like that is going on is gestational diabetes. SO not excited about that possibility.

I was pretty stressed all week while waiting for results from that test. The whole 'my first kid went through a lot' may be getting old to hear about, but it's a reality in my life and affects how I process everything. I don't feel like I have much capability to deal with anything being wrong a second time around, even if this situation would be much less serious than the last.

Results are back now and my blood sugar levels are totally normal. Thank God. However, they are still quite curious as to how the baby grew that much in that short amount of time. We're going to talk more about it during my next appointment at the beginning of April. I mean, I know that my pregnancy cravings for noodle bowls have been getting a little out of hand, but that can't be it! Best case scenario is that the ultrasound techs were wrong during one of the ultrasounds...and I don't have a clue what any other outcome could be. Just a big baby? Such would be life, though I'm thinking if they determine it to be that big I may have to go for the epidural this time...

Two

I have always known I wanted kids. We got married young (I was almost 20) and right from the start I pestered Mitch for a baby. I knew that out of the many good things in life, being a mother was going to be at the top of the list.

When I thought about being a mom I thought about the baby stage. I thought about rocking them to sleep, waking up throughout the night, wonderful first smiles, endless cuddles, all those good things. I truthfully didn't think much farther than that. I gave little to no thought to having a two year old.

The baby stage with Tyler was wonderful. He was such a good baby and early parenting was everything I thought it would be.

And then he turned two.

How did I not know this was coming? How was I not prepared?

I. love. having a two year old. Love it. I can't express how much fun we have on a daily basis. We sing and laugh and yell out silly things and hop and read books and then read more books and talk and jump on the bed. Tyler is so smart he blows my mind. I know...every parent is sure their kid is a genius, so I'm dutifully jumping on that wagon, but really. He's amazing. He is a joy to parent, and I promise I'm not just spouting rainbows. He gets out of bed a million times an evening (or used to...we may have turned a corner) refuses to eat certain things, hates napping, and generally is a normal two year old. He is not perfect, nor is he always easy. But...he's just so much fun. I love my son and the goofy sweetheart he's become. I am so so privileged to be his mama.

Never for granted

We had a second ultrasound today...they couldn't get a good view of baby's heart during the first one and to be safe we asked for a second one. Now that we have been introduced to the scary reality that not all infants are born in perfect condition, we wanted to be fully sure that baby #2 had a healthy heart.

Praise the Lord, everything is normal. We really didn't suspect anything different, but it feels good to just know for sure. It feels like when we were first pregnant with Tyler we had the dreamy idea that childbearing would be a perfect experience. Our kid would be cute, sleep well, be healthy, go to college, etc etc. You know that bad things happen, but assume it's to "other people". When we found out Tyler needed surgery it really brought us into a scary place of reality - the knowledge that just because you've already had one hard thing happen doesn't mean you're immune. I feel like we're prepared in such a different way for this child. We have learned how to care for, parent, and love a kid. We've also learned to realize that (yup, gonna say it) shit happens and you move forward. I know that this next baby will have their own gifts and challenges and we'll have to readjust everything we think we know, but it's nice to feel a little more prepared.

Does this all make sense? Maybe not...just processing.

And our kid is CUTE! We could see it's little face and at one point it yawned...oh my heart. Saw the kicks and punches... it's so fun to see the movements that are attached to what I feel on the inside. And how cool is it that I can tell you already that this one has Tyler's nose and mouth...which tells me that it's going to be so. darn. cute. Technology is amazing. The thrill of seeing my baby is fresh and wonderful.

Never Again

...never again will I mock someone for not knowing how to use a computer fully. I promise. We had our laptop die about a month ago and after MUCH deliberation and discussion, we decided to make a larger financial commitment to technology and buy a mac. We are sick of our laptops (yes, there have been two) die on us, or the battery fry or the cord light on fire (true story) or the screen just stop working...etc. So. We bought an iMac. And I have no. idea. how to use it.

It took me five minutes and the usage of google to figure out how to copy and paste something. And I know how to use computers!! Minimizing a screen is stressful to me now because it takes forever for me to find it again. I think I have figured out how to use the mouse now, though I somehow enlarged an entire website to like 200%. That was fun! Downloads are nerve wracking because who KNOWS where things are being downloaded to...

So anyway. Exciting, but interesting.

And total side note...why have I not heard of the Civil Wars until now?? I can't handle how much I love them. They just...ah. I can't explain it. Go listen to "My Father's Father". And then listen to it again.

Ready...set...

Yeah I don't think we've ever had a month like this! Two weeks ago, Mitch and I came down with the flu...basically within 10 minutes of each other. Thankfully it was just after Tyler went to bed so we were able to battle the worst of it without a curious energetic toddler to mind while praying for death. The next day was almost as bad as the active flu part as we couldn't move...but Tyler sure could. Pretty thankful for an awesome kid who was willing to just let us lay on the floor next to him while he played. Mitch is going to school right now for his first year apprenticeship and had to miss one day of school, but it wasn't a huge deal.

So. Recovery. I was fine. Three days after the flu hit, Mitch woke up with a sore throat. By that evening he was completely unable to eat or speak and after a much dreaded visit to the walk-in, it was determined that he had strep. Spent the weekend on the couch revisiting his prayers for death, and again confusing an almost two year old why his daddy couldn't talk to him. "Hi dad! Daddy! Hello! Daddy?" 10 pounds lost from combination of flu and strep. Day two of school missed.

I should mention that you fail the course if you miss more than 4.

Later that week, Tyler got the flu. Sad days insued with caring for a sick toddler.

The following week we receieved a very sad phone call. My grandpa passed away. Within two days of the phone call we packed ourselves up and headed on the 8 hour drive to be with family and to say goodbye to Grandpa. It was a bittersweet trip full of family and visiting, tears and memories. Tyler got to meet and play with cousins from far away, and we were able to reconnect with family we haven't seen in years. The night before the funeral, 4 or 5 members of our extended family got the flu, including my grandma. By God's grace, everyone was standing (mostly) and able to attend the funeral and graveside. It was a wonderful service.
The service ended and Tyler's meltdown began. Barely with enough time to say goodbye to everyone we packed up our screaming tired worn out toddler and drove 8 hours back home.

Day three of school missed.

And now we recover. Got back monday night around 1am, headed to work Tuesday morning, babysitting today, praise team practice tomorrow, and leading on sunday. Oh mercy, I'm tired.

Wandering

I don't really have a topic, but I feel like writing. So...internet rambling GO.

Ultrasound was today! Mitch couldn't come, but this maybe was for the best because my conscience was in peak form and I knew it would be terribly dishonest to ask for the gender without him being there. The tech was amazing and took pictures of the face for me so I could show Mitch. I got to see the full face and it blew me away how much detail I could see. I feel like I just got to meet my child. Technology is such a miracle.

I am helping to host a jewelry party at my place on Friday which means it will be cleaned...which means I will do my best to take pictures FINALLY. There is such a prideful place in me that won't allow myself to take pictures until all my crap is cleaned up, which is why we've been in the house for over a month and still no pictures. Sigh. One day I'll learn the art of continual cleaning. Until then, I will just have to cope with crushed mushy cheerios on my socks and wondering if it's actually foggy out or if Tyler just smashed food all over my windows again.

Ok here's a question for you! I know that when I read other people's blogs (which is quite often) I sometimes wait for them to talk about certain topics or answer questions I have about them without actually really wanting to ask the question. Anything of interest I can answer on here? Oh, I'm well aware that sounds a little egotistical to even wonder if people have things they want to know about me, but still. I have statcounter, so I know people are stopping by here from time to time...any topics you're waiting for me to talk about? Anyone feel like telling me who you are so I know who the stats are that show up? :) If you want to remain anonymous that's ok too, but I'm just sayin.

Music

Just a little list. The bands I am loving lately:

The Head and the Heart. Oh I'm loving this band. They remind me a bit of Dan Mangan, but...fuller. And slightly more mellow. Listen to the song Rivers and Roads.

Florence and the Machine. They've been around for awhile, but I've just started to love them in the last few weeks after Mitch bought me their first CD for Christmas. Tyler likes them too :)

The Wailin' Jennys. And now for something completely different...this is a super mellow group who sing somewhat celtic sounding haunting melodies. Gorgeous.

Coldplay. Not just lately, always. Mylo Xyleto just nailed it.

Bruce Cockburn. His album Speechless is just...so good.

For Starters

Here we go, 2012...we're hitting the ground running!
The Christmas break was so. good. Mitch and I both had a week off and I think Tyler thought he had gone straight to heaven. If he was ever with me and away from Mitch in the house he would get a glint in his eye and holler at the top of his lungs "DADDY!!". It was always sure to be met with a responding "TYYLER!" from another room which brought such wonderful smiles to his face. Having Mitch home was just such a blessing for both of us. It was relaxing (well...for me anyway, as I have a wonderful husband who got up with Tyler most mornings and let me sleep as long as I wanted), full of time with family, and just good. So good.

It's good to have times of rejuvenation like this before jumping back into life as you start feeling refreshed. Mitch went back to school this week which feels so strange to even type. He's going for his first of four years as he's working towards his journeyman ticket in electrical. It's a perfect fit for him (the job anyway) though the schooling will be a challenge. Not the learning part, which will be a breeze, but rather the driving...he has to drive an hour and a half each way just to get to school. It's the closest place that offer the schooling he needs, which in my opionion is preposterous. However, his driving is a sacrifice he's making so that he doesn't have to live away from us during the week. Thankfully his hours at home in the evening wont' be much different than they were when he was working so I'm happy. And so is a certain little boy who anxiously awaits his return each evening.

God's timing has been so good to us throughout this. Mitch has to be on E.I during his schooling, which means we have two full months of his income being cut in half...right at the beginning of our new payments on our house. Thankfully, due to when our mortgage is due to begin, we dont' have to start making payments on our house until March which is when Mitch goes back to work. Praise the Lord.

We're facing 2012 with much optimism and excitement. Mitch is moving into becoming a second year (which just sounds better than first year haha). Tyler continues to grow and change and continue to be such a delight. I love watching my little boy grow in personality. He is SO sweet. He is just like his dad...noticing everything. I bought a new jacket this weekend and Tyler saw me wearing it today and came over, pointed, and proclaimed "oh! nice!". Thanks buddy :)
And of course, we look forward to meeting our new little one. I feel ever so slight movement from day to day and just can't wait to bring another Kornelson along for this wonderful life journey we're on.