Sunny days

Know what I'm doing right now? Sitting on my deck! It has been at least four minutes and I haven't had a single mosquito bite yet. What a great four minutes.

Just got back from getting Tyler his first vaccinations. First, you might ask? Aren't you a little late on those? Yes...yes I am. He's almost four months old now and was supposed to have them when he was two months old. I just couldn't bring myself to take him in. So today we took a deep breath, drove down to the civic center, and the whole way there (all 3 minutes of driving) I told myself "Josie, you can do this. It's not like YOU'RE getting a needle...just Tyler. All you have to do is be strong for him. No problem". So you can imagine my great delight when some of the first words out of the nurses' mouth were "So there has been an outbreak of whooping cough and so it's a good idea if the moms get a vaccine as well". Okay hold on, lady. I was not prepared for this. I need at least 24 hours notice before I allow needles into my body, not to mention one strong as a rock husband to hold my hand so I don't pass out and lots of ice cream afterwards to calm me down. I have none of those things today.

Did I say these things? Nope. I cooly, calmly, and collectedly told Tyler that this would hurt me more than him (and actually meant it), took my needle first without a single flinch, and then proceeded to bawl as he got his. Yessir, this is evidence that my priorities have definitely shifted. I can take a needle like NOBODY'S business now. But hurt my child...hoo boy. Good thing the lady was nice and also told me her dad grew up in Coaldale. Mennonite connections bonded us.

Okay my neighbor is cranking Eminem. Is it weird that I like it?
Back to reality, OOPS there goes gravity.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Favorite Thing #1: Having some randomly stop by and drop me off a Starbucks caramel macchiato.
Favorite Thing #2: Having some randomly stop by and drop me off cupcakes.
Favorite Thing #3: Having wonderful people in my life who do such things :)

Lists

I love lists. Just thinking about making lists makes me happy...so today I figured I'd start the day off right and make a list. These are the things I am thankful for/enjoying lately, in no particular order:

-Sunshine. Nothing like a month of straight rain to make you say "Mosquitos? Who cares! It's sunny!" (Wait...okay I admit I haven't said that yet, but I'm sure someone has)
-Our house. I love our house and our huge back yard and quiet cul de sac. Now we have a deck so I love that too.
-Tyler. He smiles and giggles and screeches and fills my days with too much joy to handle. He also slept for 10 straight hours last night which could be why I'm feeling a slight sense of euphoria this morning.
-Mitch. We laugh together every day. Last night it was while he watched two hours of the Bachelorette with me. (okay seriously, anyone else watching...does it not sound like Kacy always has a mouth filled with marbles?? If you don't watch it and are judging me for watching it...DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.)
-Our town. If you get past the ugly main street and make your way in, it's full of ball diamonds, nice little ponds, and wonderful walkways that go through them. Love walking here.
-My mom. I bugged her the other day that she never phones me...but then laughed because I phone her so often that she doesn't get the chance to return the favour. She makes me lunches and walks with me and bakes me whatever my heart desires and offers advice and changes Tyler's poopy diapers with delight. What more could I ask for?
-Friends. Having good friends makes my heart so SO full. We have an amazing group of friends who bless us on a regular basis. Also, they are all now pregnant. Yep, one baby down, three on the way. SO FUN!
-Cupcakes. Because what about cupcakes is there not to love?

So on that note, with all of those wonderful things fresh in my mind, I'm off to do something I do not love...laundry.


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Finding My Identity

One of the things I love about blogging is that it allows me to process as I write. I often won't realize I think or believe something until I've spoken or typed it, so maybe my post today will help me out :)

I have seriously surprised myself with my mindset of being a stay at home mom. Let me say first that I absolutely LOVE it. These days with Tyler are such a gift and I would not trade them for anything. However I can't figure out why I keep dreaming about work (literally...almost every night). I hear bits and pieces from co workers about how things are going in my absence and every now and then I yearn to be there. WHAT?. For so many years this has been my dream - staying home and raising our child. How on earth could I even think about missing work?

This is not a fleeting question...I've actually been quite bothered by this in the last few weeks. I was talking to my mom about this the other day and she (being the wise woman she is) commented that I'm quite likely struggling to figure out my new identity right now. This made sense to me. Being a stay at home mom has no real concrete parameters. You could say that every day you should be able to say that
-Baby is fed, slept, and happy
-House is clean, supper ready for when mitch gets home
-Inspirational book has been read
-Walk has been taken, baby weight lost
Doesn't that sound nice? However I'm quickly learning that NOTHING is a given. Of all those things on the list, the only thing I can say I've accomplished consistently on a day to day basis is "baby is fed". You just never know what each day will bring. At work I knew close to exactly what to expect every day, and had become quite task oriented. I enjoyed the feeling of finishing a project before moving on to the next one. I liked having strong lines outlining what I was supposed to do every day.

This is NOT to say that I'm not enjoying my days, but rather I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself and my own expectations yet. I need to start asking myself the question of 'what do I need today to feel accomplished?" This is important to me.

I think that today I will feel accomplished if I can sit here and enjoy my son's smiles for as long as he wants to give them to me. And I think I'll eat a banana.

Ups and downs

My life feels somewhat 'rollercoasterish' lately. I am surprised to find that my trust in Jesus has been put to the test much more in the last week than it has been in the last three months. I find that every little thing that looks like it could be wrong with Tyler sends me into a frenzy of questions, what ifs, and pleading prayers upwards. It seems my most frequent phrase uttered under my breath is "Jesus, he's been through so much already, you wouldn't do this to him". It's from little things like having a stuffy nose and having a hard time breathing, to having diarrhea and not knowing what is causing it. I kind of feel sometimes like since we've been through something so hard, nothing else difficult should ever happen now. I used to think that way with my dad actually - I was convinced that my mom was basically invincible because God would never take TWO of my parents.

Flawed logic, I know...but I can't help what goes through my head. I feel like I'm in a constant state of watch. Ty's hands get cold frequently so I try all day to convince myself that it's not because his circulation is bad and that his heart is not doing what it's supposed to do. However I'm also all about appearances and I know full well that this is to be expected at some level, so I want to come accross like I've got everything under control and that his little issues don't phase me. I feel exhausted. Is he sleeping enough? Is he sleeping too much? He didn't each much that feed...is he having trouble breathing and eating? He's crying during those hiccups...did I jar his chest somehow?

Tyler is doing so well, and I see evidence of this every day. However before his heart issues were discovered we thought that everything was fine too. What if I miss something now? What if I try to downplay something being wrong with him and he gets sick? I don't know how to balance being caring and overbearing. I think on the outside I am physically doing an okay job of this, but it's my mind that I have to fight.