Ups and downs

My life feels somewhat 'rollercoasterish' lately. I am surprised to find that my trust in Jesus has been put to the test much more in the last week than it has been in the last three months. I find that every little thing that looks like it could be wrong with Tyler sends me into a frenzy of questions, what ifs, and pleading prayers upwards. It seems my most frequent phrase uttered under my breath is "Jesus, he's been through so much already, you wouldn't do this to him". It's from little things like having a stuffy nose and having a hard time breathing, to having diarrhea and not knowing what is causing it. I kind of feel sometimes like since we've been through something so hard, nothing else difficult should ever happen now. I used to think that way with my dad actually - I was convinced that my mom was basically invincible because God would never take TWO of my parents.

Flawed logic, I know...but I can't help what goes through my head. I feel like I'm in a constant state of watch. Ty's hands get cold frequently so I try all day to convince myself that it's not because his circulation is bad and that his heart is not doing what it's supposed to do. However I'm also all about appearances and I know full well that this is to be expected at some level, so I want to come accross like I've got everything under control and that his little issues don't phase me. I feel exhausted. Is he sleeping enough? Is he sleeping too much? He didn't each much that feed...is he having trouble breathing and eating? He's crying during those hiccups...did I jar his chest somehow?

Tyler is doing so well, and I see evidence of this every day. However before his heart issues were discovered we thought that everything was fine too. What if I miss something now? What if I try to downplay something being wrong with him and he gets sick? I don't know how to balance being caring and overbearing. I think on the outside I am physically doing an okay job of this, but it's my mind that I have to fight.