Surviving

Where to start...

My life feels like it's transferred into a whole different dimension in which everything looks the same, but nothing is. This morning Mitch got up and went to work, I fed Tyler like any other morning, I've already changed 3 poopy diapers, and now we're sitting on the couch together all snuggled up. It's been this way for the last 4.5 weeks. However the glaring difference is that as Mitch leaves, I praise God that we have the money to pay for what's coming. As Tyler eats, I marvel at the fact that he is able to breathe and eat at the same time. As I change his diapers I check his body for signs of blue, and inspect the hole where the catheter was inserted. As I sit and stare at him while he sleeps on my lap I can't help but feel despair as I think about what's coming next for him. My poor baby boy. I wish I could save him from the pain he's going to feel. I feel so helpless knowing that for a few weeks after the surgery there will be nothing normal I can do for him as a mother. I won't be able to hold him, change him, feed him, burp him. I will only be able to sit there and hold his little hand and talk to him and let him know I'm here.

Something I've been thinking about lately is the effects of prayer. We have been so unbelievably supported by everyone imaginable. Mitch and I talked last night about the fact that the only reason we can think of for our feelings of peace is the prayers being sent up around the world. I find myself asking questions though...do we pray expecting healing, or do we pray expecting God's will, which may be so different than ours? What do we do if this surgery doesn't go well? How do we respond?

Here is my answer:
Mitch and I have been reading Job for our devotions lately. We started before we knew about any of Tyler's heart problems, and I remember thinking that I didn't know how much I was going to get out of reading it. However as I look at Job's life and everything he had taken away, I realize that he still says in the midst of it all that God is faithful. Therefore Mitch and I stand together and will proclaim that God is faithful. Now all we can do is wait to see how God will choose to reveal his faithfulness, as he has done again and again for us.