Surviving

Where to start...

My life feels like it's transferred into a whole different dimension in which everything looks the same, but nothing is. This morning Mitch got up and went to work, I fed Tyler like any other morning, I've already changed 3 poopy diapers, and now we're sitting on the couch together all snuggled up. It's been this way for the last 4.5 weeks. However the glaring difference is that as Mitch leaves, I praise God that we have the money to pay for what's coming. As Tyler eats, I marvel at the fact that he is able to breathe and eat at the same time. As I change his diapers I check his body for signs of blue, and inspect the hole where the catheter was inserted. As I sit and stare at him while he sleeps on my lap I can't help but feel despair as I think about what's coming next for him. My poor baby boy. I wish I could save him from the pain he's going to feel. I feel so helpless knowing that for a few weeks after the surgery there will be nothing normal I can do for him as a mother. I won't be able to hold him, change him, feed him, burp him. I will only be able to sit there and hold his little hand and talk to him and let him know I'm here.

Something I've been thinking about lately is the effects of prayer. We have been so unbelievably supported by everyone imaginable. Mitch and I talked last night about the fact that the only reason we can think of for our feelings of peace is the prayers being sent up around the world. I find myself asking questions though...do we pray expecting healing, or do we pray expecting God's will, which may be so different than ours? What do we do if this surgery doesn't go well? How do we respond?

Here is my answer:
Mitch and I have been reading Job for our devotions lately. We started before we knew about any of Tyler's heart problems, and I remember thinking that I didn't know how much I was going to get out of reading it. However as I look at Job's life and everything he had taken away, I realize that he still says in the midst of it all that God is faithful. Therefore Mitch and I stand together and will proclaim that God is faithful. Now all we can do is wait to see how God will choose to reveal his faithfulness, as he has done again and again for us.

So good.

I'm sitting here watching my baby boy sleep and realized that I should probably blog about it while I have a free minute. I already decided that we're ordering pizza tonight so I don't have to worry about supper...

Tyler Daniel is such a beautiful baby. I know that every parent thinks that about their child, but who am I to buck the trend? He looks so much like Mitch that it blows me away, and he's got the biggest eyes that just melt us every time. I LOVE being a mom! I knew I would, and Tyler has exceeded all of my expectations so far of what it would be like to have a baby. I realize that one day poop won't be cute at all, but I am still delighting in changing diapers at this point in time.

I am feeling really good, which is a blessing. I tore during labour and had to get stiches, so I was pretty nervous about how long it would take to heal, but I'm feeling close to 100% again. I do have to keep reminding myself however that my body did just go through something fairly traumatic and that I need to take things slowly, but so far so good. I'm looking forward to the weather getting a little nicer (ok or just less windy??) so Tyler and I can start going for walks. I bought a little snowsuit on sale today at Extra foods that is SO cute. Yes, I realize it's now spring, but ball season is just around the corner and Tyler is going to be cheering on his daddy's home runs right beside me so he's going to have to be just as bundled as I am at every game.

Okay so this is kind of a point form update, but that's alright. Life is good...so good.

Famous Last Words

"Honestly, it's been so easy so far! We're kind of just waiting for things to get hard because right now we're just having fun."

Uh...can we say jinx?

Okay never say that to someone who asks how things are going with a new baby, because something is bound to go wrong. I do have to say, Tyler has been a JOY and we love every minute of him, and this weekend being tough has absolutely nothing to do with him directly...except that trying to care for a newborn amidst the flu is probably the hardest thing I've had to do thus far.

Saturday was a good friend's wedding, and while thankfully we were able to attend the ceremony, about an hour after we got home from that I was flat on my back in bed MISERABLE. Thus started the worst 12 hours ever. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who graciously and kindly took care of Tyler and I the whole time. The amazing thing is that Tyler slept through the worst of it, waking to eat each time when I had just enough energy to accomplish getting him fed before collapsing again (or rushing to the bathroom...)
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling much better, though it had been a long night and Mitch had been up with Tyler quite a bit. We figured the worst was over and concentrated on me eating and getting rehydrated.

"I'm so glad you didn't catch what I did"

*sigh* mistake number two.

Mitch woke up at 2am with the exact same thing I had, and has been sick ever since. Thankfully I had a day of recovery before it started for him, but this has not been a fun last few days. Both of us seem to be on the mend now, but I will make no direct positive statements as to our well being, because apparently you just never know...

Okay this made ME cry! What a beautiful song!

I Haven't Even Heard You Cry
Aaron Lines

Well I don't drive through the night these days
It's just not a chance I'm willing to take
And I don't spend my money foolishly
Cause there's important things that you're gonna need
You already got a hold on me

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

You might look like your mom, you might look like me
I don't really care as long as you're healthy
And I'll make mistakes there's no doubt
But loves one thing you won't live without
Cause you own a place in my heart now

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

Well I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
I'm thinking about first steps and bike rides
And I haven't even heard you cry

umm...

I have a foot sticking out of the side of my stomach, my husband's t-shirt on, and a spoon sitting beside a cherry pie that has been used several times today. Oh please, come soon baby, before I break a rib, lose all self esteem, and the rest of my self control.

On the bright side...finished season 4 of Grey's today...forgot how good that final episode was! On to season 5.

I don't know how to say I don't know!

Had an interesting piece of self-realization today that I figured I'd share:

First of all, there are a few things you need to know about me.

1. The last few places I've worked, I have been in the position to be the person answering questions. I love being in that position. I like helping to solve problems, pointing people in the right direction, and being able to provide information when needed. I like being the 'go to' person. I try my harderst to know as much as possible about every topic that might come up so that I can be as effective as possible.

2. Over the last few weeks, I have become increasingly ornery. I skipped church two weeks ago because I didn't want to be around people. I am incredibly cynical and emotional. Mitch continuously has to remind me to 'be nice'.

So here's the thing: why are people suddenly driving me nuts? Because I can't answer their questions!!

"What are you having?"
"When do you think the baby will be born?"
"Are you nervous for labour?"
"Are you ready for the baby?

I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW!! The baby wasn't in the right position so we don't know what it is. Trust me, if I knew when it was going to be born, I would be a lot more relaxed right now. I don't know what to expect so I don't really fear labour. I have no idea if I'm ready...I guess we'll find out when the baby gets here. And so on and so forth. So really...the problem is not with those asking me questions, because I know they mean well and are asking out of love. The problem is with me (and my pride?). I like knowing the answers to things. And trust me...no one wants the answers to these questions more than me :)

So my goal from now 'till baby time is to be nice. To answer people graciously when they ask, remembering at ALL times that they ask because they care.

It's a good thing I've got Mitch around who will continue to remind me to be nice when I continue to screw up...

What I've Learned

Five weeks. FIVE WEEKS. That's how long we've got until I'm due. Yes I know, the baby will probably be late, but still. Five weeks.
So I thought I'd take this time to reflect on pregnancy. Here are a few of the things I've learned during pregnancy, in no particular order of importance or occurrence:

1. Pregnancy in the later stage can cause cankles. They tell me these will go away once the swelling goes down. All I can say is: they'd better.
2. Bladder control is completely lost when standing while baby decides to direct a well thought out kick right to it. Haven't peed my pants yet, but I've come darn close.
3. Hugging is not easy anymore when there's a basketball between the two of you.
4. Heartburn can strike at any time for any reason.
5. Emotional rampages tendencies can strike at any time for any reason.
6. Grunting every time I move is perfectly acceptable, but my husband needs to be reminded of this every now and then. If he comments too many times...well...see #5.
7. Rolling over at night requires much thought and contemplation. Unless I have to pee.
8. I didn't know it was possible to pee that many times during the night.
9. Men generally don't know how to respond to a pregnant woman, so expect phrases like "you're HUGE!" or "wow, you got big fast, hey?" or, my favorite thus far "hey can you stand up? I wanna get a better look at you...I bet I can guess the gender!"
10. Feeling the baby move around all day is the most wonderful feeling
11. No chair is comfortable for more than five minutes
12. From seeing how he's been through the pregnancy, Mitch is going to be a fantastic dad
13. Every shirt will get stains on it the first time I wear it. No more of this whole 'wearing more than once between washes' jazz

And that's all I can think of right now...I've learned lots of practical medical stuff too, but that's boring. Come on, 5 weeks...