Oops...

"Oops, I didn't know that was yours".

Now that is an embarassing statement to have to use once...but twice? In the same week? In two different situations? Yeah...

So the other day Mitch and I were shopping to buy him some shorts. We walked into the store and began browsing, and at the exact same time a man decided he needed to browse in the exact same section as us. He gave us a little sneer and pushed his way around us (several times). We ignored him and moved on. Mitch found a few pairs of shorts to try on and so as he was doing that I waited to give my approval. While he was trying them on, I looked over and saw an empty change room with some clothes hanging in it. I had been standing there for about five minutes and couldn't remember anyone coming in and out of the change room and assumed that those clothes had just been left there. I took a little peek and saw that there was a nice pair of shorts JUST Mitch's size. I snagged them and tossed them over his door. Not FIVE seconds later, sneering man walks into the stall, looks around, and begins to throw a hissy fit. Like seriously. "Where are my shorts?!" he raged. I began to panic. Thinking mayyyybe he would just leave it, I was wrong. He went to find the store clerk and demanded to know where his shorts were. By this time I figured I better fess up as there are now two people looking for the shorts and any minute Mitch is going to walk out of the stall WEARING said shorts looking for my approval and thus condeming me as the shorts thief. So I pipe up as sneery walks by: "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know those were yours. I gave them to my husband to try on. He should be done with them soon!" Was I rewarded for my honesty? Nope. He looked at me like the shorts probably now had the plague and stormed off. I immediately ran out of the store and hid until Mitch was done.

Then just a little while later I went to grab Starbucks for Mitch's mom and I. I walked into the store where there was a man standing kind of in the middle of it. I asked him if he was in line to order and he said no. I forgot all about him, placed my order, and went to wait for the drinks. Very shortly afterwards a caramel frappacino came up. Pleased at how quickly they made my drink, I stuck a straw in it and began to drink as I waited for the next one. Then I wondered - I had ordered this to be light and she didn't say light. Did they forget? So as she brought over my second drink I asked if that was the case. "No, I didn't forget...that isn't your drink. I'm making yours next". CRAP! Turning around I once again noticed the man standing in the middle of the store, now obviously waiting for his drink. I not only have deprived him of his rightful drink, I have also forced a light one upon him. I stammered something about how I had already taken a drink out of this one, how I hoped the next one wouldn't be light, how sorry I was, how I didn't know this was his drink and then fled the scene. Thankfully he seemed to be a nice guy and didn't care much, but seriously. I'mm not going to allow myself to go into public again for awhile...it just causes problems.

Surprise!

I am full of surprises lately. Mitch would roll his eyes at me finding myself surprising becuase it's just like how I find myself super funny. Hey at least someone is always laughing at my jokes, even if it's me.

But I digress. What I'm finding surprising is how I'm feeling an almost desperate need to work towards a passion. I don't even know what that looks like yet...but I'm exploring it. If you have known me for longer than 10 minutes you will know that I am an extremely passionate person. Small things get me so excited that I can hardly stand it. A new cd I got, for example - I can't stop talking about it because I'm so cotton picking excited about it. I'm realizing though that more and more small (insignificant?) things are getting me all pumped up because I don't have elsewhere to direct my energy. Don't get me wrong - I am super passionate about my new roll as a mom. However I'm still feeling the pull towards something...else. Not more, just else. Perhaps ministry? Okay now THERE is a broad term. Does ministry mean leading worship more often? I haven't lead since I was 7 months pregnant and I miss it desperately. Or does ministry mean calling up those that be powerful in the MB conference and asking what's available? Or does ministry mean leading a bible study at a young mom's group? I don't know. But I do know that I am feeling prompting and I suspect that the Spirit is at work.

I obviously have a lot of questions. I met yesterday with a good friend/mentor who spoke good words into my life. I'm now blogging because writing is how I process. I don't have any answers yet, but I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store. Perhaps a lesson in being still? Or perhaps He's getting ready to move me. Could be tomorrow, could be in five years. The only thing I know is that I need to be ready. I feel ready. I'm so excited.

Rare sighting

Tyler has decided that naps are for suckers. Normally if it comes down to a fight I end up as the winner, but not the last few days! He normally has a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon (not to mention a few snoozes in the morning and evening). Yesterday he refuuuuused to sleep all afternoon and screamed at me through all of my efforts. Today began the same way. I now know the secret behind post-pregnancy weight loss: kids who wont' go to sleep! I bounced and rocked until my arms almost fell off but to no avail. Finally I had to put him down for a bit because we were both frustrated with each other. I set Ty down on the middle of my bed and left the room. Sure enough, he calmed right down and became surprisingly happy. After awhile I peeked my head in after the cooing and giggles had stopped and saw this:





...awwwwwwwww. He slept like this for about 20 minutes before waking himself up, but it was a relished 20 minutes.

Challenged

We have been blessed with a FANTASTIC preacher in our church. Do you ever have those moments where your soul feels like it's just been filled to the brim? I feel like that every time he preaches.

Yesterday I came away from church feeling thouroughly challenged in my life. I won't give you all the details of what he said because I think what I ended up taking from the sermon wasn't really the main point, but here's what I came away with:

I need to change my perspective. Why am I angry with God for Tyler's torticollis? I need to stop seeing things in the negative. Instead of asking the question of why God allowed 'yet another thing to be wrong', I need to be lifiting praise to the fact that Tyler is here to deal with these things. Life is not perfect, nor is it going to be without hardships. God kept Tyler on this earth to live to see those things. His life is not going to forever be without problems, but he is here. I will pray every day that he will grow up to love his Creator and Sustainer as his dad and I do. My prayer is that as he grows he will be able to praise God with his own mouth and say the words that run through my mind almost daily:

All of my life, in every season, you are still God; I have a reason to sing...I have a reason to worship.

One day at a time

I took Tyler to his first chiropractor appointment yesterday to get his Tortocollis further assessed, and hopefully begin the road to fixing this thing. I thought things were going well as he was assessed as the chiropractor kept telling me things like "oh, this looks good", and "it's not in his lower back, that's awesome" and "this is actually really straight!" So I was feeling quite optimistic until the end of the appointment where she finished by saying "Tyler's case is actually quite severe..."

*Insert profanities here*

I guess we haven't done anything else halfway...why start now? We are now going to have to go back to her TWICE a week as well as physio and home stretching. Does anyone else find it baffling that while Tyler has spent endless amounts of time in the company of doctors, no one noticed this? Medical profession dropping the ball, round two.

I asked my friend a question yesterday...I know that God knit Tyler together in the womb, but what the heck was he doing? Maybe I'm contradicting my last post when I said I wasn't angry at God. I think I am a little bit. I'd just like to know why all of this is going on. Like I said before, I know that this condition isn't life threatening, but it doesn't make me any less frustrated or confused. I'm not sure why, but I'm having so much more of a hard time with this than I did with the heart surgery.

I have so many other things running through my head but I don't know how to say it all. I just don't understand any of this.

Fissures

Torticollis confirmed.

The doctor is trying to get us into physio at the hospital, but she was not optimistic about how long it would take. I talked to a few people with experience/knowledge in this area and they suggested trying a chiropractor first, so we're taking Tyler in tomorrow to try it out.

I have no idea how serious or not Tyler's state is so I'm trying hard not to get worked up until I know something more concrete.

I have nowhere to vent my frustrations. I have no anger towards Tyler as he has done nothing but be the sweetest boy in the whole world. Mitch is a wonderful dad who cares for him and me. The doctors would be my main lightning rod, but really...the system is the system. There's nothing I can do about them not noticing it. You know, something about them being busy noticing his heart condition??
I know this isn't my fault so it does no good being frustrated inwards. God is faithful and good and does not deserve my anger. But I am angry. I feel it spilling through cracks in my life as steam finds it's way through fissures around a volcano. I have this intense need to protect Tyler and am being shown yet again that I really am not in control whatsoever. Trust trust trust. Okay fine. I trust that God will care for Tyler and hold us together. But why do we need to be put in this position again? Did I not learn my lesson the first time? Is this about me?

Torticollis is not that big of a deal and I know that. I know of a few babies who have had it and are totally fine now. It's just that it's one more thing to gear up for. More appointments, more time spent trying to fix/adjust Tyler's little body.

I get annoyed when people fish for things like compliments, but at this point in time I could use your encouragement so I'll just say that straight out. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I don't care if I know you or not. Words held us up so much before, and I need it again.

Defeated

I realize that one should never expect raising a child to be easy. There will be late nights and explosive poop. There will be screaming fits and scraped knees. There will be messes and laundry and puke over all my nice clothes. These things I can deal with and prepare for. I did not plan for heart surgery, but we survived it.

I was kind of hoping for a little bit of a lull in the excitement of our lives, but it's looking like we're not going to get that. All signs are pointing to Tyler having Torticollis. This means that the neck muscles on one side are shortened so his head is always held on a tilt. We have a doctor's appointment to confirm this, but he's also got a lump on his neck which is a telltale sign of this condition. If I'm right, it's going to mean months of physio and stretching his neck multiple times a day. Apparently it should have been caught between the ages of 2-3 months, which it was not. Now he is 4 month old, and in severe cases (about 15% of them) surgery is needed to correct the damage.

So...yeah. What the heck? I don't really know what to think now. So many babies are born and grow up without a hitch larger than a scraped knee or a broken bone. Does Tyler really have to deal with yet something else? This means more x-rays, more testing, and more uncomfortable procedures. I'd like this to all end, please. No more frustrations for my child.