Him

These pictures says more words than I ever could.  When you marry, the first thing you think of (I'm assuming more than just myself) is how they will love you forever and what life will look like with the two of you side by side.  And then you have kids and realize that the spouse you chose is not just going to be in your life as a spouse, but also as a parent to your child.  And I could not have been given a greater gift...a man who loves me, and is the most wonderful WONDERFUL father.  Love him.

Healthy

Came away from church fired up today.  We've attended church very sporadically this summer, I'm ashamed to say.  Between weekend trips and young kids and full schedules, we haven't been there as much as we should have.  I for many year expressed frustration over young families who don't "commit" to church and only show up for half the sundays out of a month.  I hang my head and admit misguided judgement as I also raise my hand to now being one of those families.

That being said, this sunday we did attend, and I'm so thankful.  A churchwide challenge was given to start looking inwards at our own lives.  Grow.  Change.  Seek Jesus.  Simple, yet difficult.  I'm ready.

I expressed this need to Mitch a few weeks back - how do we teach Jesus to our kids without living it?  I mean, we don't actively NOT live for Jesus, but we certainly are complacent.  Easy.  Comfortable.  Not in the place I want to be.

So, just as I put it out there that I was going to start running (which I did), I'm also putting it publicly that it's time for a head shake.  I'm on board with this church vision.  I'm excited and feeling challenged.      I'm ready to start leading worship again.  I'm feeling renewed in the direction we're taking in devotions. I want my relationship with my husband and children to reflect Christ's love.

Yep.  Let's do it.

Life with, life without

Processing life and death today.  Got the call that my grandma (mom's mom) passed away this morning and while it was imminent and expected, the official call is never easy.

We spent this weekend away from home at a family gathering of my first dad's family.  My dad was killed in a plane crash when I was three, and spending time with his family when possible is very important to me.   They are all scattered far and wide so gatherings don't happen easily or often.  This was the first time many of them had met our boys.  I know that especially for my grandparents, it's significant to see the extension of Dan's blood.  Grandma is constantly on the lookout for the matching brown eyes or the chubby thighs and cheeks.

Today I'm feeling like I'm grieving life spent with, and life spent without.  I grieve my Grandma's passing because of the wonderful life I have had with her in it.  I remember things like how she always had strawberries picked and ready at the table when I'd come to visit as she knew they were my favorite.  I remember the food she cooked so artfully, and the jokes she cracked often.  I remember her garden, her laugh, and her smell.  I remember the way she held my boys and just laughed from sheer joy.

I grieve my dad today because of my life spent without him.  Seeing his family love my boys creates such an ache for him to have known them.  Seeing my uncles who bear such resemblance to dad but are not him.  Hearing camping trip stories about him, but not being able to hear his voice or his side of the story.  Hearing the pride in grandpa's voice as he looked at our new vehicle and said "your daddy bought a mazda too.  He would have liked this car".  Watching through the window at Mitch and my uncle deep in conversation, wishing Mitch could have had dad's approval too.

Ah. Today is a grieving day.  The Lord gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Right and Wrong

Ok can I vent for a second?

Is every single food you can buy in the grocery store dangerous?  Organic is expensive, but apparently all other fruit is toxic or genetically modified. Apparently vegetable oil is bad for you because of how processed it is, but I know from personal experience that olive oil tastes terrible in cupcakes.
When I take Tyler outside, should I clothe him from head to toe?  Because the sun causes cancer, but apparently so does sunscreen.  Deoderant is being linked to breast cancer, but I don't have time or desire to slather my armpits with a paste of baking soda, and I really would prefer to not stink.  Someone recently told me that all meat causes cancer and our bodies are not really meant to process meat anyway so we shouldn't put it into our systems.  On and on it goes.

So seriously.  How on earth do I feel good about feeding my family and caring for my children when every single decision I make seems to be proven detrimental somehow?  I do not want to be a vegan.  I'm sure it's the right decision for some people, but I neither desire to do it nor do I feel capable.  Also, we enjoy meat.  And cooked stuff.

I'm really not asking for arguments here.  Don't tell me I'm a terrible mother because the milk I buy might have hormones in it or the chicken we eat didn't grow up free range.  I just want to know how on earth we're supposed to survive when apparently every single thing in the grocery store is out to kill us. I believe in feeding my family fresh food as much as possible.  I stay away from processed when I can because I would prefer to bake my own pizza dough or things like that.  I buy into the marketing ploy that is "smart KD" because no preservatives or false colours sounds good to me and I like kraft dinner.  But really.  I sometimes feel like all this information is too much.  There is no possible way to decide the "right" thing to do.  You can't tell me that cutting out everything in your diet except fruit and veggies grown in your own garden is legitimately healthy.  Or maybe you can...but don't.  I won't believe you.  Also, I live in a place where I would starve all winter unless we develop a greenhouse in our basement.  ARGH.

So anyway.  Don't soap box me.  I just needed to vent.

Bandwagon blogging

Ok, I'll jump on!
20 random facts:

1. I love lists.  Pretty excited about the next 19 facts.
2. Almost every day Tyler and I listen to "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers and dance around the house while we clean.  Singing the chorus with him makes me tear up every. single. time. Go listen to it.
3. I am a beyond horrible dancer and have passed down my moves to my son.  Sorry to any future dates.  He comes by the strange flapping honestly.
4. I don't wear makeup because I have no idea how to apply it.  I either come away looking gothic, bruised, or like I'm still not wearing any.
5. When I was a child, I used to think of how I would confront an intruder should they ever venture into our home.  It always resulted in me confronting the crap out of them and them backing down because of my sharp wit and solid reasoning as to why they should not kidnap me.  It still gives me a little thrill thinking of a confrontation of such magnitude.
6. I have no problems with confrontation.
7. I cannot play sports...not because of lack of will, but because my competitive nature is seriously detrimental to my non-existent athletic abilities.
8. I am terrible at keeping in contact.  I know who my true friends are by how graciously they excuse the fact that I almost never phone or email back.  I prefer spontanious communication and feel loved when those close to me understand and respond in kind.
9.  I would love to be able to write as well as my mom.
10. There are three friendships from my past that I am haunted by. Strong words, but true. I think about them almost daily, though it has been over 10 years since those friendships thrived.  I dwell in the past and wish desperately that they were a part of my present.
11. I got married at 19 and have not once regretted doing so at such a young age.
12.  I say dumb things like "but they're so young"! when I hear of others getting married at a similar age.
13. I love to sing.  If I had to pick a voice I would like to sound like, it would either be Adele, or the girl from the Civil Wars.
14. My sock drawer is a mess of old and mismatched socks.  It drives Mitch bonkers, but does not faze me at all.
15. I call the drawer in my kitchen that holds my utensils my "glory drawer".  Because that's what my mother called hers and there really is no better name.
16. Being late - for anything - makes me incredibly antsy.  Our friends joke that if we're not at least 5 minutes early, we're basically late by my standards.
17. My parents bought me a horse when I was 15.  Best. parents. ever.
18. When I was in grade 5 I orchestrated a prank on my teacher for April fools in which the class replaced the coffee in his covered mug with soy sauce.  I wasn't sure if he'd laugh or expel me. Thankfully he laughed.
19. I have an obsession with new books.  Not buying new books...but keeping books looking brand new.  A creased cover makes me sad.
20. While I am a procrastinator to the nth degree, both my boy's baby books are up to date.

What I wasn't

I wasn't a perfect mom today.  We spent the entire morning in front of the tv watching olympics instead of cleaning up.  Tyler asked for a snack right after not finishing his breakfast and I gave it to him.  The closest we got to playing outside was venturing into the garage for a bit of trike riding, which lasted 5 min.  I let Tyler watch Curious George in the afternoon even though I had already let him far surpass his normal screen time in the morning.  I didn't give Tyler his normal scheduled quiet time in his room, opting instead to let him play with a friend.  I didn't do a single load of laundry.

Not a single timeout was given today.

Seems like we both needed to break the rules a bit today...

On the road again

I am going to start running again tonight.  There.  I posted it online which apparently stays out there forever so I'd BETTER be truthful.

The last time I ran was the official 5k run for the children's hospital (the whole reason I started running in the first place).  I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so dizzy while running that week.  It was only a few days after the race that I found out we were pregnant!  1st trimester kind of kicked my butt and running got demoted in priority in my life...ended up on the list next to wearing skinny jeans or staying awake past 9pm - not gonna happen.

I was actually really surprised how much I missed running while pregnant.  Some days I felt like I was literally craving it.  I'm now 6 weeks and 2 days postpartum and I keep hearing that 6 weeks is a good timeframe to wait before indulging in physical activity.  I'll start slow and tell myself I'm doing it for the good of my body so I don't feel discouraged when I end up sucking wind and walking after the first 25 seconds.  Not sure where this running thing will take me this time as I don't have a distance goal or a race deadline.  Well I guess there's always the little baby weight issue that I could use as motivation... :)

So anyway.  Tonight's the night!