Choices

Just so you know, this is a fairly open and transparent post, and is written mostly for myself. Consider yourself warned.

Having a baby does funny things to both your body and your mind. My satisfaction with my physical appearance has become based on entirely different things post baby than it was before. Getting right into the honesty part of this post, I have always prided myself on having a flat stomach. Now that I've had a baby, I pride myself on having a stomach that doesn't hang down to my knees. I used to pride myself on having control over what I ate. I now am proud of myself if I only have ONE scoop of ice cream with rolo chocolate sauce on it. You get what I'm saying.
Now, I am actually quite proud of myself for the weight I've been able to bring myself back to after Tyler. I fit a size of jeans I've never fit before and I generally feel good. However, now that I'm done nursing and the 500 calorie loss every day is gone (just need to pause here for a moment to grieve that significant loss...)

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and ALSO because we booked a trip to mexico in a few months, it's time to get back on that 'watch what I eat and what I do' regime.

But here's my qustion: Do I have to choose between loving pizza and loving myself?

I've decided not. I want to live my life in a way that I can enjoy everything about it. I want to sit down and feel completely guilt free while I eat homemade pizza (made by my culinarily inspired husband, CAN you believe it). I dont' want to look back on life and miss out on the bliss of enjoying good food and say "well, at least I'm skinny". Yahoo. Skinny and HUNGRY.

That being said, I also want to take care of myself. I want to excersize three times a week. I want to take advantage of my personal trainer sister in law. I want to be in shape and feel great. I want to live a life of moderation. I want to be like my mom and have my kids come home at the end of the day knowing that they are going to be provided healthy meals every night, and also indulge in huge fresh cinnamon buns every now and then. I want to go for walks on every single nice day, and probably eat an ice cream cone while walking.

This is no New Years resolution, but rather a lifestyle promise. I will love both pizza and myself. I will bring my children up to the best of my ability to also love themselves and appreciate the goodness of life. I will learn to make asaparagus taste good, and I will learn to bake a killer apple pie.

Yep, that sounds good.

Do what you love and love what you do.

My job. Oh, how I love my job. I did not know it was possible to love working as much as I do. Yesterday I sat on the floor in front of a filing cabinet writing out file lables for the 2011 finanical year and felt a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Not because of the file folders or the finances or any of that...but I just have the wonderful feeling of knowing that I am exatly where I'm supposed to be. The jobs I've had in the past have contributed so much to what I need to know for this one, and I LOVE the fact that while there is still a learning curve, I feel equipped to handle it.

I visit with camper's parents on the phone about issues and hear about how their kids can't wait to come to camp. I get to brainstorm camp ideas with the other people in my office and hear about ministry ideas all day long. I get to keep track of camper registration and watch with satisfaction as our camps fill up and think forward to our summers where kids' lives will be changed forever. I get to hear the passion in the voices of those in leadership and those applying to serve.

I love my job.

Being in camp ministry for so many years, I was always on the front end of ministry as a counsellor. Now I get to take on a new roll and work behind the scenes and watch and participate from a new perspective. It is SO good. Oh camp ministry, how I have missed you.

Lukewarm Coffee

I got up at 7am today, but not because I have to go to work. I got up at 7 because if I sleep until Tyler wakes up, I get zero alone time. Does that make me sound like a horrible mother? Let me explain.

Tyler no longer naps. Well...he may go down ONCE for about 30 minutes, but that's it. He sleeps wonderfully at night - goes to bed at 6:30pm and sleeps until between 8am and 9am and I really can't complain about that. However, like I said, he does not nap. Tyler has also learned how to get into absolutely everything. He climbs and pulls things down and tears and crumples and pushes and explores and does everything a curious little almost 11 month old boy should do. But then he does not nap.

I think most moms will agree, naps are like a breath of sanity. A way to put your child down, walk away, and come back a time later when all is renewed, kiss their sweet faces, hold the little hands that are reaching for you from the crib, and start all over again with fresh perspective on this little one that you love. With no naps, I'm finding that I need to be a little bit more creative on the whole 'fresh perspective' thing. I should note: please hear no cynicism, sarcasm, or unhappiness here. I am not complaining, but rather processing. With each stage in a child's life, there comes new joys and new challenges. My challenge right now is to stay in good spirits with my boy all day long while he explores this little world of his. My joys are much larger than this challenge however: voluntary kisses, dancing (or bouncing) to music, little hands climbing my leg to be held, bright BRIGHT smiles, and laughter when I do the dumbest things.

So I get up at 7. I drink my lukewarm coffee (made at 5am when mitch gets up for work, but I dare not warm it up in the microwave, lest I wake my son), I do things like blog or read a book, and enjoy the quiet for just a little while. And when I hear those sounds from the room down the hall of awakening (which, these days, are less like coos and more like growls and roaring) I will GLADLY go pick up my sweet boy and start another day. Another day made just a little better by my quiet 'alone time' morning.

Try, try again.

I have a lot of posts saved in drafts on my blog...though I just can't seem to post them. But after writing a bunch today, I figured I should probably post at least ONE public one.

Update on Tyler: Things are awesome. His doctor said that we have nothing to worry about, in fact, his scar tissue has shrunk. Praise God. He is healthy and his pulses are strong. They said that his valves do leak a bit, but it's more common for kids with this surgery to have leaky valves than not, so we are okay with it.

Update on me: I'm doing great. Work is going wonderfully, and I feel so blessed. I also feel a little strange because my brain seems to have switched back to its' ON position again and now I have to think! Such a strange feeling, this thinking thing. I have great co workers, a boss who appreciates the value of Starbucks, and enough time to appreciate both work and home during the week. I know I just said it, but I'll say it again - I feel SO BLESSED.

So that's all you get for now...along with this whole 'brain being turned back on again' thing, I have a lot on my mind. We'll see where it goes.

Our Troubled Heart

Tyler is going in for his next cardiology appointment in 10 days and I'll admit I'm really nervous. At the last visit our cardiologist told us that because he's got a kink in one of the arteries that were moved, there is the possibility of that area forming scar tissue. Accoring to him, it's not uncommon for this to happen and would most likely result in Tyler having to have another procedure, whether it's a simple cardiac catheter (his first procedure that he had done before) or actually having to go back into his chest. I do not do well with maybes and whatifs, especially when it comes to the health and safety of my son. The result of this appointment will be likely to tell us if he is either scartissue free and we don't have to worry, or that tissue has formed and we need to begin preparing for whatever that means.

Truthfully I don't feel the capacity to pray for this, which is why I'm blogging about it. I actually don't really like talking about it at all. I would like to ask you to pray for us again as I just don't know to pray for it myself. I don't even really want to acknowledge the possibility of anything else being wrong, which I think is why I'm feeling unable to pray. Again, it could be quite possible that Tyler remains 100% and there will be nothing to worry about. That is what we hope. Please pray for that. No more surgery, no more procedures. We do have Tyler's football career to concentrate on, afterall...

Morning Reflecting

So my first day of work is done! I actually had a great day, and I'm so excited for the future at this place. Camp Ministry. So good. I was kept busy all day which was great because it meant that I didn't have time to think about the fact that I was without my baby all day. However as I walked up our walkway to the house and saw Mitch and Tyler waiting in the window for me, Tyler bouncing up and down with glee to see me, I cried.

I thought about it a lot last night, trying to balance my perspective on becoming a part time working mom. On one hand I could look at it this way: I have to spend 2.5 days a week away from Tyler, possibly missing important things, trusting others to care for him, and only getting a few precious hours in those evenings to spend time with him. However, I'm choosing to see this new life in a different way: I have found a job that I know I will both love and feel fulfilled in, and that I can also work part time in, allowing me to spend 4.5 WONDERFUL days at home with my son. I get to help bring in part of our income so we are able to maintain the lifestyle that we enjoy, and I am able to get out of the house every now and then for some sanity time. And on those days when I'm gone, I have incredible family and a wonderful husband to care for Tyler WELL.
So. That's what I've been processing. I know that I knew this all beforehand, but it always changes when it is actually happening instead of just being thought about. This morning I got up early to get ready, enjoy breakfast, and drink my coffee...and if Tyler doesn't wake up soon I may just have to go in there and do it for him to say hello before Aunty Holly gets here.

On the brink

I alluded to this a bit in a previous post, but this past week and a half with Mitch at home with us was truly a blessing. First of all, he is SUCH an amazing dad and I love watching him with Tyler. I remember being pregnant and telling friends that one of the things I was most excited for was to see Mitch as a dad, and I have not been disappointed...actually he has exceeded every expectation and hope. It does such wonderful things to my heart to be loved by him and also to watch him love our son. We settled into such nice routines this week, such as bringing Tyler into bed with us in the mornings to play, drinking coffee together, staying up late and watching movies by the light of the christmas tree, playing with Tyler and all his new toys together on the floor, and so many more wonderful things.

Today however Tyler and I got up alone...as soon as I picked him up out of his crib he immediately turned towards the door because he's now so used to hearing his daddy call his name from our room. But life is now back to "normal" and there is no fun morning family time. sigh. The tree came down today, Tyler is refusing to nap, I'm feeling the guilt of too eating too much Christmas baking, and life moves on. Today is melancholy, but tomorrow will be bright.

Tomorrow I get to expand my horizons and head off with no baby in the back seat to the city to start my new job. Mitch gets to have HIS morning time with Tyler and enjoy the small things that come with parenting at home all day. I'm so ready to jump into this new stage. Now. Off to pick up my yelling boy who, at 3pm, has still not napped today.