Lists

I love lists. Just thinking about making lists makes me happy...so today I figured I'd start the day off right and make a list. These are the things I am thankful for/enjoying lately, in no particular order:

-Sunshine. Nothing like a month of straight rain to make you say "Mosquitos? Who cares! It's sunny!" (Wait...okay I admit I haven't said that yet, but I'm sure someone has)
-Our house. I love our house and our huge back yard and quiet cul de sac. Now we have a deck so I love that too.
-Tyler. He smiles and giggles and screeches and fills my days with too much joy to handle. He also slept for 10 straight hours last night which could be why I'm feeling a slight sense of euphoria this morning.
-Mitch. We laugh together every day. Last night it was while he watched two hours of the Bachelorette with me. (okay seriously, anyone else watching...does it not sound like Kacy always has a mouth filled with marbles?? If you don't watch it and are judging me for watching it...DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.)
-Our town. If you get past the ugly main street and make your way in, it's full of ball diamonds, nice little ponds, and wonderful walkways that go through them. Love walking here.
-My mom. I bugged her the other day that she never phones me...but then laughed because I phone her so often that she doesn't get the chance to return the favour. She makes me lunches and walks with me and bakes me whatever my heart desires and offers advice and changes Tyler's poopy diapers with delight. What more could I ask for?
-Friends. Having good friends makes my heart so SO full. We have an amazing group of friends who bless us on a regular basis. Also, they are all now pregnant. Yep, one baby down, three on the way. SO FUN!
-Cupcakes. Because what about cupcakes is there not to love?

So on that note, with all of those wonderful things fresh in my mind, I'm off to do something I do not love...laundry.


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Finding My Identity

One of the things I love about blogging is that it allows me to process as I write. I often won't realize I think or believe something until I've spoken or typed it, so maybe my post today will help me out :)

I have seriously surprised myself with my mindset of being a stay at home mom. Let me say first that I absolutely LOVE it. These days with Tyler are such a gift and I would not trade them for anything. However I can't figure out why I keep dreaming about work (literally...almost every night). I hear bits and pieces from co workers about how things are going in my absence and every now and then I yearn to be there. WHAT?. For so many years this has been my dream - staying home and raising our child. How on earth could I even think about missing work?

This is not a fleeting question...I've actually been quite bothered by this in the last few weeks. I was talking to my mom about this the other day and she (being the wise woman she is) commented that I'm quite likely struggling to figure out my new identity right now. This made sense to me. Being a stay at home mom has no real concrete parameters. You could say that every day you should be able to say that
-Baby is fed, slept, and happy
-House is clean, supper ready for when mitch gets home
-Inspirational book has been read
-Walk has been taken, baby weight lost
Doesn't that sound nice? However I'm quickly learning that NOTHING is a given. Of all those things on the list, the only thing I can say I've accomplished consistently on a day to day basis is "baby is fed". You just never know what each day will bring. At work I knew close to exactly what to expect every day, and had become quite task oriented. I enjoyed the feeling of finishing a project before moving on to the next one. I liked having strong lines outlining what I was supposed to do every day.

This is NOT to say that I'm not enjoying my days, but rather I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself and my own expectations yet. I need to start asking myself the question of 'what do I need today to feel accomplished?" This is important to me.

I think that today I will feel accomplished if I can sit here and enjoy my son's smiles for as long as he wants to give them to me. And I think I'll eat a banana.

Ups and downs

My life feels somewhat 'rollercoasterish' lately. I am surprised to find that my trust in Jesus has been put to the test much more in the last week than it has been in the last three months. I find that every little thing that looks like it could be wrong with Tyler sends me into a frenzy of questions, what ifs, and pleading prayers upwards. It seems my most frequent phrase uttered under my breath is "Jesus, he's been through so much already, you wouldn't do this to him". It's from little things like having a stuffy nose and having a hard time breathing, to having diarrhea and not knowing what is causing it. I kind of feel sometimes like since we've been through something so hard, nothing else difficult should ever happen now. I used to think that way with my dad actually - I was convinced that my mom was basically invincible because God would never take TWO of my parents.

Flawed logic, I know...but I can't help what goes through my head. I feel like I'm in a constant state of watch. Ty's hands get cold frequently so I try all day to convince myself that it's not because his circulation is bad and that his heart is not doing what it's supposed to do. However I'm also all about appearances and I know full well that this is to be expected at some level, so I want to come accross like I've got everything under control and that his little issues don't phase me. I feel exhausted. Is he sleeping enough? Is he sleeping too much? He didn't each much that feed...is he having trouble breathing and eating? He's crying during those hiccups...did I jar his chest somehow?

Tyler is doing so well, and I see evidence of this every day. However before his heart issues were discovered we thought that everything was fine too. What if I miss something now? What if I try to downplay something being wrong with him and he gets sick? I don't know how to balance being caring and overbearing. I think on the outside I am physically doing an okay job of this, but it's my mind that I have to fight.

Test driving

We recently decided that the stroller and carseat we had bought before Tyler was born just wasn't a fit for our needs/lifestyle...so we decided to see if we can sell the system and find something better. It's interesting how you think something will work until it's tried, and discover that life looks much different than you thought it would. So Mitch and I did hours of research, talked, argued discussed, and decided on the beautiful, classy, wonderful Peg Perego Vela (Java color):
and the Peg Perego Viaggio car seat (kiwi color).


I am in love. I could rave for a long time about what I love about these two pieces, but I will just tell you a few things.
1. The stroller weighs 9 pounds and folds up wonderfully small.
2. The carseat is extremely well padded and has a fabric that helps prevent the baby from sweating, which was a frustration of the previous carseat.
3. The stroller is so easy to maneuver
4. They are both so pretty :)

Processing

We got rid of our cats this week, which I was extremely reluctant to do, but am so glad now that we did. We are now in the process of decatifying (yes I made that word up) our house, and just really doing a gradual deep clean of the house. This is forcing me to do things like update our baby book which I haven't written in since before Tyler had surgery (I mean, what do you put in the one line that is provided for "first doctor's visit"?), go through hospital records that haven't been filed, and put away the hospital bag provided to us from parents of children with heart problems. I realize that it's been almost a month since we've been home, but these things just haven't happened yet. I was looking some of the papers we were given in Edmonton, and I found a short essay written by a parent of a sick child. It hit me hard. She wrote that preparing for a child is like preparing for a trip to Italy. It is exciting and unknown, and you spend months preparing. You are all ready for what to expect - the beauty of the landscape, the amazing food, and excited for the unknown that you will discover. You have bought guide books and learned some of the language. You are ready! However as the plane is landing, it is announced that you will be in fact landing in Holland. This is not what you had planned for! You know nothing about Holland. You will have to learn a whole new language, and will be lost without buying new guidebooks. Holland is not bad though - just different. It may be less flashy and much less traveled, but it has beauty just the same. Many people you know will go to Italy and tell you their wonderful stories and you will think "I was supposed to go there...that is what I had planned". However life is different. The author concludes by saying "...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland".

This is a paraphrase, and I know that Mitch and I are lucky...Tyler will still (Lord willing) live a completely (and complete) normal life. He will thrive and grow as a normal child. However we just took a different route to get there...and our experience will forever be different.

Transferring back

Crisis has passed, life moves forward, and spring blooms. Tyler is sleeping beside me right now and as I stare at him I just can't believe what has all passed in the last two months since he was born. If you didn't know Tyler had surgery you would never be able to tell anymore. He thrives, smiles, wails, and wiggles.

How am I doing? I'm so used to answer how TYLER is doing, I'm not actually always sure how I am. I am...a bit shell shocked I think. I told Mitch the other day that it almost feels like none of this happened. I feel like I maybe should feel more traumatized, but I don't. I feel blessed and carried and have my beautiful boy home with me every day. I feel stronger, that's for sure. I feel a bit like I've been put through the fire and come out on the other side a little scarred, but tougher than I was before. I feel like I can handle life better, with a somewhat of a 'bring it on' mentality. I should be careful saying that out loud though...you never know what might happen.

haha...Tyler is snoring...

Surviving

Where to start...

My life feels like it's transferred into a whole different dimension in which everything looks the same, but nothing is. This morning Mitch got up and went to work, I fed Tyler like any other morning, I've already changed 3 poopy diapers, and now we're sitting on the couch together all snuggled up. It's been this way for the last 4.5 weeks. However the glaring difference is that as Mitch leaves, I praise God that we have the money to pay for what's coming. As Tyler eats, I marvel at the fact that he is able to breathe and eat at the same time. As I change his diapers I check his body for signs of blue, and inspect the hole where the catheter was inserted. As I sit and stare at him while he sleeps on my lap I can't help but feel despair as I think about what's coming next for him. My poor baby boy. I wish I could save him from the pain he's going to feel. I feel so helpless knowing that for a few weeks after the surgery there will be nothing normal I can do for him as a mother. I won't be able to hold him, change him, feed him, burp him. I will only be able to sit there and hold his little hand and talk to him and let him know I'm here.

Something I've been thinking about lately is the effects of prayer. We have been so unbelievably supported by everyone imaginable. Mitch and I talked last night about the fact that the only reason we can think of for our feelings of peace is the prayers being sent up around the world. I find myself asking questions though...do we pray expecting healing, or do we pray expecting God's will, which may be so different than ours? What do we do if this surgery doesn't go well? How do we respond?

Here is my answer:
Mitch and I have been reading Job for our devotions lately. We started before we knew about any of Tyler's heart problems, and I remember thinking that I didn't know how much I was going to get out of reading it. However as I look at Job's life and everything he had taken away, I realize that he still says in the midst of it all that God is faithful. Therefore Mitch and I stand together and will proclaim that God is faithful. Now all we can do is wait to see how God will choose to reveal his faithfulness, as he has done again and again for us.