On Parenting and Guilt

I read another one of those huffington post articles today about a perspective shift on parenting, this one particularly on never telling our kids to hurry up. I'm not going to lie, it made me mad. I've read many and even re posted a few of these articles over the last while and I will admit that some do make good points- I have intentionally put my phone down while playing with my kids and I have stopped being so cautious while they're on the playground, etc etc (you'll know what I'm talking about if you've read these articles too) but I had an interesting conversation with my mom a few weeks ago that's really been causing a shift in my thinking. 

Last month I felt like I burnt out on parenting. I was exhausted. I didn't find joy in the little things about my kids. I was quick to anger and often asked Mitch to just deal with it all. I hated feeling like that but I couldn't shake it. It's not that my kids are awful (they're not) or that I was too busy (I wasn't). I was completely overcome with guilt. It was a really dark place. And I hadn't even specifically DONE anything. I was exhausted because every move I made with my kids or decision I made for them had me second guessing if I was doing the right thing. Are they going to hate me 20 years from now because they'll hold against me ways I choose to parent today? Are they too rough or too shy or too picky because I don't stand my ground or push them to play dates or...you know. On and on. 

I talked about it with my mom - a most wonderful and wise woman. She let me talk through what I was feeling and gave good perspective. She commented that it must be hard to raise kids in this day and age where there is so much sharing through technology that there are always new parenting methods and opinions being shared. For every one choice we make, assuming its in the best interest for our kids, there are three voices telling us we're wrong, possibly harmfully, and to shift perspectives.  

There was more said, but what it boiled down to for me is that I need to be carful how much I allow blogs, news articles, etc to affect my decision making. I am not talking about going ostrich and burying my head in oblivion. But good grief. I am most certainly not vowing to never say "hurry up" to my kids. If I let Tyler crack his own eggs in his breakfast before I leave for work in the morning I'd be in a world of mess and I would never ever get to work on time. Which IS important. He will not suffer emotional trauma because some mornings he cant help with breakfast prep. Not rushing your kids unnecessarily is wise. But moderation please. Don't go feeling guilty when you need your dawdling three year old to pick up their feet because kids are kids. They need direction as well as time. Do remember to slow down, but my goodness. Can you imagine what a day would be like if you allowed your toddler to inspect every. single. thing. that drew their attention? 

You are a good parent. Love your kids. Tell them that. Make parenting decisions you trust are in their best interest. Take advice from friends. Ask questions. But if you struggle with second guessing like I did (and sometimes still do), learn to take a deep breath and trust yourself - and your spouse, I should mention. Talk things through and decide together. And holy crap. Don't let yourself get guilted into or out of every new piece of parenting perspective. Look at how many times the pendulum swings...

Not groundbreaking

When I find myself blogging less consistently it sometimes feels like I should have a big event or topic to blog about.  Jumping in with an every day type of post seems a little...anti climactic.  Oh well.

It's summer!  I mean, not really, but it's not -2 so...it's summer!  Every time we walk out the door Logan looks around in awe and starts to chirp (His main form of communication).  Tyler finds the wettest mud puddle, I find the sunniest spot to stand, and Logan finds the smallest bit of whatever to eat off the ground.  It's bliss.  It's hard to believe that one year ago at this time I looked like this:

yeah.  I was huge.  I know. 

This feels much better.

One of my favorite parts of this spring so far is the informal moms group that has formed in our area of the city.  A friend and I were talking and realized how many moms we know who live near us, so we've started gathering at the central park in our area once a week.  It's so fun to get to know others who live close, for our kids to find new friends, and to have yet another excuse to go to the park.  I absolutely love our community.  We've kicked around the idea of building again sometime soon but just can't do it because we love our location so much.  Having friends close is a gift.

Anyway...that's about all I have to say.  Have an awesome long weekend.  I get my husband home for three days...I'm happy.

Assessments

I got a phone call a few weeks back that I had totally forgotten that I'd be getting. It was a follow up reminder for Tyler. They had told us this would be coming when he had his surgery but my memory wasn't in its full glory at that time. They basically monitor kids from the ages of 3-8 both physically and mentally who have had this magnitude of surgery.
To tell you the truth, I've been kind of looking forward to it. We have never had any concerns about Tyler being behind in anything - we have actually marvelled at his advanced speech and thinking abilities. He's such a smart kid and it's so much fun to watch him learn. Physically we haven't noticed any hindrances or disabilities so we weren't terribly concerned in that area either.

Today was the day so Tyler and I went in for the morning of appointment. He met with both a pediatrician and a child psychologist. As the first doctor came to get us and Tyler (surprisingly, as he's pretty shy in new situations) began to chatter immediately. She turned to me after visiting with him for a bit and said "oh good. It's so good to have a case when they're doing well". I first felt pride, thinking "oh good, she sees what we see." But after a few more small comments from her it became apparent that this really was special to see...that a lot of kids who have had large surgeries at his age and been on a respirator for long periods of time aren't guaranteed to live unaffected lives. She said that muscular dystrophy and almost cerebral palsy-like symptoms have exhibited themselves in some kids. There can be tremors in their limbs, delayed walking, and lower comprehension levels. We heard similar things from the next doctor. There are many issues that can result from this sort of surgery, both physical and mental. This really rocked me on my heels. Today felt like yet another affirmation of the blessing that Tyler's healing has been. He went through such a major thing in his little life and yet is not just surviving...he's thriving. Excelling. Exceeding. I watched him beaming through his appointments and doing so well and breathed many prayers of thanks. We don't ever forget what a gift our son is.

Onwards and Upwards

So I got a job!

I'm pretty excited about this.  It couldn't be a more perfect job for me...God is so good.  I'm going to be working as a book keeper under an accountant that I know.  I'll get to basically dictate my own hours, work from home when I want to or work at her home office when I want to, and it can be (or grow to be) as much or as little work as I want to take on.  And the best of all - it'll likely only be max a day a week right now which means that our moms can watch the boys and I don't have to search for part time day care.  Win win win!

This could not be more perfect for our stage in life.  I'm not a career focused mom.  I have many friends with amazing gifts that make them so perfect for the jobs that they have and the careers they have chosen, and it makes total sense for them to pursue both their joys of motherhood as well as their calling to their jobs.  They do both well and I have high respect for them.  I just...never had a career call to me in the same way that being a stay at home mom has.  I love being home with my boys.  However, I did learn after going back to work once Tyler was a year old that part of my brain needs to be working to function properly.  I need a bit of outside influence to keep me, well, awake.  We also aren't quite in a place where we can comfortably afford for me to stay home yet so the job search began.  When I got the phone call asking if this job was something I'd be interested in doing, I almost cried.  It's just so perfect for me.  I'm thrilled!

Thankfully my days will still be filled with cookie baking, walks, diapers, curious george, conversations with my favourite chatter box, and all the other wonderful things I love about being a mom.  I will also just get to feel a bit more...adult.  Well rounded.  Accomplished.  Whatever.

Foundations

These days are such sweet days. Life at home with my boys is such a wonderful reality to find myself in. No, not every day is easy, but there are always moments of good. Logan is getting to the age where he both irritates and delights Tyler. He is on the move now and is constantly going after whatever it is that Tyler has deemed his most prized possession that day. I'm always hearing "no, Logan! That's mine!" and we are having many conversations about both sharing and also being able to have special toys that are just for Tyler or just for Logan (like a loved stuffed animal). There are also more and more moments of laughter between the two of them and Tyler is cautiously testing the water of LIKING his brother. He will play peek a boo for a few minutes or request to be seated next to Logan. Logan loves to mimic Tyler's sounds and this becomes the source if many giggles. I tell Mitch often that I so hope our boys grow up to be best friends. He cautions me not to push that on them, but to let it develop on its own. My husband is as wise as I am controlling :). Instead I pray every day for a good relationship between my boys. They don't have to be best friends, but I pray for mutual respect, understanding, individuality, and a solid closeness.

What are some values you are building into your family, either intentionally or unintentionally? Mitch and I have been talking about this in the evenings after we put the boys to bed. There are a few very important things we want to have in our family. The first is that we both model a solid relationship with Jesus. I never want my kids to question if I know or love Him. The second is modelling a solid loving marriage. This doesn't mean we hide all of our arguments, but I also want our boys to see our love, be it through the respect and gentleness we try to extend towards each other, or through silly hugs in the middle of making supper, or our togetherness with which we try to parent.

This stage of life is so much fun, and is so important. We are forming the foundation on which family is built and the value and beliefs we stand on. Praying for wisdom every single day!

2013

Hello, new year. It feels a little strange to sit in my now empty feeling living room. No tree, no advent calendar, no garland...just a few book shelves with decorations on them that I got so used to seeing that I forgot they should be put away with everything else.

The boys are alternating tantrums today, which I expected and prepared for. Having Mitch home for eleven days was such a blessing and we all miss him. Tyler is gnawing on carrot sticks and I'm drinking lemon water and neither of us are very excited about scaling back the chocolate intake. Hello, new year. We will be friendly eventually.

We had a fabulous Christmas break together. I love having kids to celebrate Christmas with. They bring such a new perspective that is so much fun. Both boys did awesome with the gatherings and celebrations and family. I love my family!

Here are some highlights of our Christmas.

Perfect?

The way our dining area is set up in our house, we have a nice bay window-type area to look into our back yard.  Because our fence is not finished yet, we can see right into the neighbor's garage when it's open.  We have sat at the dinner table and seen them finishing their yard, visiting with neighbors, building a fence, etc.  It is a young married couple with a young son, maybe 3 or 4 years old.  Yeah yeah, I'm a creeper...whatever.

This morning while Tyler and I were having lunch, they left the house and had the garage door opened for a bit.  Inside I noticed a calendar of a mostly naked women.  Cue rant.

Here's the thing.  I suppose you could argue with me and tell me it's not a big deal - a man's garage is his domain, his place to decorate how he chooses.  And as I type this, please don't hear me attacking just this one guy.  It's a much larger issue, and he just happens to be the lighting rod.  I know nothing about him...I'm sure he's a great guy.  I just hate the picture.  I hate the fact that society says it's ok to enjoy looking at other women's bodies - even while committed to a wife.  I'm struggling a lot with my body looking much different after two boys than it did before, and this gets me right revved up.  If my husband had a picture hanging up in that garage here's what it would say to me: "I wish she looked like this".  Or, "because she doesn't look like this, I'll look at it instead".  Hello, compounding insecurities.  

Women aren't perfect in this either.  I've heard even non-smutty romance novels being called porn for women because it creates an ideal in our heads about what the perfect man would do.  We get this picture in our minds and are disappointed every time our husband doesn't live up to it.  It's not a physical picture of a naked woman, but I think it can be equally hurtful or detrimental.

So what do you love about your spouse?  This is not about what you want to change - just what you appreciate.  Hang that picture in your garage.  Keep it in your wallet.  Entertain thoughts about it during the day.  Love is not about trying to attain perfection in the other person but about enjoying who they are right now.  

So the story goes...

Ha.  Do you know how many more pages views I've had since I posted last?  Waiting for a story, perhaps?  Stay tuned...it just may come.

Anyway.

Life just keeps flying by.  Logan is almost six months, Tyler will be three in just a few short months, and I feel like it's all passed in a blink or two.  My boys are growing!

My boys.  MY boys.  My BOYS.  I love saying that.  I love my two little and quickly growing sons.  Tyler for the most part completely ignores Logan, but Logan absolutely adores everything Tyler does and will shriek and squawk at him until acknowledged.  Which leads to a lot of squawking as Tyler will go out of his way to ignore.

I was given an extremely generous gift just over a year ago and with it I decided to buy a nice camera.  I am so thankful for this gift and also for the fact that I decided to spend it on something worthwhile (in my opinion).  I'm loving experimenting and capturing pictures just a little nicer of my family than what I could have done with my point and shoot.  Here are what some of our days look like

 Ha, just kidding.

...mostly.

Once in a lifetime

I helped to deliver my friend's beautiful baby boy yesterday morning.  In her bedroom with only myself and her husband there.  It was a miracle, and one of the scariest things I've ever done.  Just had to say it.  Absolutely incredible.  If you know them, I'll let them tell you the rest of the story. (And no, it was not planned.)

List

My mom recently posted a list of 50 on her blog...just a random list.  I will assume this is age related and will post my list of 26.

Mitch reading books to Tyler before bed
Botched soup
Winter boots
Intense love for my iPhone
Popcorn
Having a nice camera to take nice pictures with
Starbucks
Reconnecting with old friends
Christmas decorations
Church membership
Online shopping
Hearing stories about Jesus from my son
Memorizing (or trying to) the sermon on the mount
Laundry
Long arduous potty training
More laundry
Happy husband
Judgement verses grace
New Girl
The need for new furniture
Ticket to Ride
Routines
Teaching Tyler to love indie music
My wonderful beautiful blessings of boys
Dreams of teaching piano again
The anticipation of Costco

It's ok?

Learning lots about forgiveness from my two year old this week.

It started when he broke a vase.  He, after being told not to, threw a kids chair at a large ceramic vase I had sitting beside our tv.  It shattered as it hit the floor, and I did my best not to over react.  I asked Tyler to say sorry to me for breaking the vase because it had happened as a result of him not listening.  He dutifully said that he was sorry to me, and I responded with "it's ok".  Tyler heard this and repeated "yeah.  It's ok that I broke your vase mommy."

Hm. Not what I meant, but exactly what those words would mean to a two year old.

After this event and a few others where Tyler responded very similarly, Mitch and I decided that a better response to an apology is the obvious one - I forgive you.  Have you tried actually saying this after an apology?  Especially after somewhat glib ones?  Saying "I forgive you" means that you should mean and feel forgiveness.  I find it's also a hard phrase to hear.  Hearing someone respond with forgiveness means you've actually done something that warranted that forgiveness.  Saying "it's ok" feels like a much easier thing both to say and hear.  It's more of a brush off.

So that's been our challenge this week.  I'm trying to take it to heart in my marriage and other relationships as well.  Pondering what it means both to forgive, and also to ask for forgiveness.  Not to brush off what is hurtful but to deal with it in my heart and with others and be able to move on.

If only my Tyler knew the things he teaches me.

Oh!

...Hello October.

Him

These pictures says more words than I ever could.  When you marry, the first thing you think of (I'm assuming more than just myself) is how they will love you forever and what life will look like with the two of you side by side.  And then you have kids and realize that the spouse you chose is not just going to be in your life as a spouse, but also as a parent to your child.  And I could not have been given a greater gift...a man who loves me, and is the most wonderful WONDERFUL father.  Love him.

Healthy

Came away from church fired up today.  We've attended church very sporadically this summer, I'm ashamed to say.  Between weekend trips and young kids and full schedules, we haven't been there as much as we should have.  I for many year expressed frustration over young families who don't "commit" to church and only show up for half the sundays out of a month.  I hang my head and admit misguided judgement as I also raise my hand to now being one of those families.

That being said, this sunday we did attend, and I'm so thankful.  A churchwide challenge was given to start looking inwards at our own lives.  Grow.  Change.  Seek Jesus.  Simple, yet difficult.  I'm ready.

I expressed this need to Mitch a few weeks back - how do we teach Jesus to our kids without living it?  I mean, we don't actively NOT live for Jesus, but we certainly are complacent.  Easy.  Comfortable.  Not in the place I want to be.

So, just as I put it out there that I was going to start running (which I did), I'm also putting it publicly that it's time for a head shake.  I'm on board with this church vision.  I'm excited and feeling challenged.      I'm ready to start leading worship again.  I'm feeling renewed in the direction we're taking in devotions. I want my relationship with my husband and children to reflect Christ's love.

Yep.  Let's do it.

Life with, life without

Processing life and death today.  Got the call that my grandma (mom's mom) passed away this morning and while it was imminent and expected, the official call is never easy.

We spent this weekend away from home at a family gathering of my first dad's family.  My dad was killed in a plane crash when I was three, and spending time with his family when possible is very important to me.   They are all scattered far and wide so gatherings don't happen easily or often.  This was the first time many of them had met our boys.  I know that especially for my grandparents, it's significant to see the extension of Dan's blood.  Grandma is constantly on the lookout for the matching brown eyes or the chubby thighs and cheeks.

Today I'm feeling like I'm grieving life spent with, and life spent without.  I grieve my Grandma's passing because of the wonderful life I have had with her in it.  I remember things like how she always had strawberries picked and ready at the table when I'd come to visit as she knew they were my favorite.  I remember the food she cooked so artfully, and the jokes she cracked often.  I remember her garden, her laugh, and her smell.  I remember the way she held my boys and just laughed from sheer joy.

I grieve my dad today because of my life spent without him.  Seeing his family love my boys creates such an ache for him to have known them.  Seeing my uncles who bear such resemblance to dad but are not him.  Hearing camping trip stories about him, but not being able to hear his voice or his side of the story.  Hearing the pride in grandpa's voice as he looked at our new vehicle and said "your daddy bought a mazda too.  He would have liked this car".  Watching through the window at Mitch and my uncle deep in conversation, wishing Mitch could have had dad's approval too.

Ah. Today is a grieving day.  The Lord gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Right and Wrong

Ok can I vent for a second?

Is every single food you can buy in the grocery store dangerous?  Organic is expensive, but apparently all other fruit is toxic or genetically modified. Apparently vegetable oil is bad for you because of how processed it is, but I know from personal experience that olive oil tastes terrible in cupcakes.
When I take Tyler outside, should I clothe him from head to toe?  Because the sun causes cancer, but apparently so does sunscreen.  Deoderant is being linked to breast cancer, but I don't have time or desire to slather my armpits with a paste of baking soda, and I really would prefer to not stink.  Someone recently told me that all meat causes cancer and our bodies are not really meant to process meat anyway so we shouldn't put it into our systems.  On and on it goes.

So seriously.  How on earth do I feel good about feeding my family and caring for my children when every single decision I make seems to be proven detrimental somehow?  I do not want to be a vegan.  I'm sure it's the right decision for some people, but I neither desire to do it nor do I feel capable.  Also, we enjoy meat.  And cooked stuff.

I'm really not asking for arguments here.  Don't tell me I'm a terrible mother because the milk I buy might have hormones in it or the chicken we eat didn't grow up free range.  I just want to know how on earth we're supposed to survive when apparently every single thing in the grocery store is out to kill us. I believe in feeding my family fresh food as much as possible.  I stay away from processed when I can because I would prefer to bake my own pizza dough or things like that.  I buy into the marketing ploy that is "smart KD" because no preservatives or false colours sounds good to me and I like kraft dinner.  But really.  I sometimes feel like all this information is too much.  There is no possible way to decide the "right" thing to do.  You can't tell me that cutting out everything in your diet except fruit and veggies grown in your own garden is legitimately healthy.  Or maybe you can...but don't.  I won't believe you.  Also, I live in a place where I would starve all winter unless we develop a greenhouse in our basement.  ARGH.

So anyway.  Don't soap box me.  I just needed to vent.

Bandwagon blogging

Ok, I'll jump on!
20 random facts:

1. I love lists.  Pretty excited about the next 19 facts.
2. Almost every day Tyler and I listen to "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers and dance around the house while we clean.  Singing the chorus with him makes me tear up every. single. time. Go listen to it.
3. I am a beyond horrible dancer and have passed down my moves to my son.  Sorry to any future dates.  He comes by the strange flapping honestly.
4. I don't wear makeup because I have no idea how to apply it.  I either come away looking gothic, bruised, or like I'm still not wearing any.
5. When I was a child, I used to think of how I would confront an intruder should they ever venture into our home.  It always resulted in me confronting the crap out of them and them backing down because of my sharp wit and solid reasoning as to why they should not kidnap me.  It still gives me a little thrill thinking of a confrontation of such magnitude.
6. I have no problems with confrontation.
7. I cannot play sports...not because of lack of will, but because my competitive nature is seriously detrimental to my non-existent athletic abilities.
8. I am terrible at keeping in contact.  I know who my true friends are by how graciously they excuse the fact that I almost never phone or email back.  I prefer spontanious communication and feel loved when those close to me understand and respond in kind.
9.  I would love to be able to write as well as my mom.
10. There are three friendships from my past that I am haunted by. Strong words, but true. I think about them almost daily, though it has been over 10 years since those friendships thrived.  I dwell in the past and wish desperately that they were a part of my present.
11. I got married at 19 and have not once regretted doing so at such a young age.
12.  I say dumb things like "but they're so young"! when I hear of others getting married at a similar age.
13. I love to sing.  If I had to pick a voice I would like to sound like, it would either be Adele, or the girl from the Civil Wars.
14. My sock drawer is a mess of old and mismatched socks.  It drives Mitch bonkers, but does not faze me at all.
15. I call the drawer in my kitchen that holds my utensils my "glory drawer".  Because that's what my mother called hers and there really is no better name.
16. Being late - for anything - makes me incredibly antsy.  Our friends joke that if we're not at least 5 minutes early, we're basically late by my standards.
17. My parents bought me a horse when I was 15.  Best. parents. ever.
18. When I was in grade 5 I orchestrated a prank on my teacher for April fools in which the class replaced the coffee in his covered mug with soy sauce.  I wasn't sure if he'd laugh or expel me. Thankfully he laughed.
19. I have an obsession with new books.  Not buying new books...but keeping books looking brand new.  A creased cover makes me sad.
20. While I am a procrastinator to the nth degree, both my boy's baby books are up to date.

What I wasn't

I wasn't a perfect mom today.  We spent the entire morning in front of the tv watching olympics instead of cleaning up.  Tyler asked for a snack right after not finishing his breakfast and I gave it to him.  The closest we got to playing outside was venturing into the garage for a bit of trike riding, which lasted 5 min.  I let Tyler watch Curious George in the afternoon even though I had already let him far surpass his normal screen time in the morning.  I didn't give Tyler his normal scheduled quiet time in his room, opting instead to let him play with a friend.  I didn't do a single load of laundry.

Not a single timeout was given today.

Seems like we both needed to break the rules a bit today...

On the road again

I am going to start running again tonight.  There.  I posted it online which apparently stays out there forever so I'd BETTER be truthful.

The last time I ran was the official 5k run for the children's hospital (the whole reason I started running in the first place).  I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so dizzy while running that week.  It was only a few days after the race that I found out we were pregnant!  1st trimester kind of kicked my butt and running got demoted in priority in my life...ended up on the list next to wearing skinny jeans or staying awake past 9pm - not gonna happen.

I was actually really surprised how much I missed running while pregnant.  Some days I felt like I was literally craving it.  I'm now 6 weeks and 2 days postpartum and I keep hearing that 6 weeks is a good timeframe to wait before indulging in physical activity.  I'll start slow and tell myself I'm doing it for the good of my body so I don't feel discouraged when I end up sucking wind and walking after the first 25 seconds.  Not sure where this running thing will take me this time as I don't have a distance goal or a race deadline.  Well I guess there's always the little baby weight issue that I could use as motivation... :)

So anyway.  Tonight's the night!

vacation needed

The last few weeks have not been fun.  Well...maybe 'fun' isn't the right word, but not sure how else to phrase it. 

When Logan was 3 weeks old, we had a routine visit with the midwife.  During the visit she noticed that his breathing rate was really high...up around the 80 mark.  Babies should breath between 40 and 60 times per minute, so this was not good.  She listening to him for a long time and when the rate didn't drop, she told me to wait until he was asleep, check again, and if it hadn't changed take him to emergency. 

Um...de ja vu.  Tyler was 3 weeks when we were encouraged to do the exact same thing.

Needless to say, I felt pretty panicky.  I waited until he was alseep, counted his breathing again and again, and came up with around 80 each time.  Called my mom to watch Tyler, called Mitch, and off to emergency we went.  They were great in peds, and as soon as they heard that we already had a child with heart problems they sent Logan through the big tests - hooking him up to oxygen, monitoring heart, chest x-ray, etc.  It felt like a night mare.  This was not something I ever wanted to repeat.  A few hours in, they determined that he had fluid in his lungs (probably from birth) and this could be causing the fast breathing.  They said it would likely clear up, no need to be worried, but to come back to emergency tomorrow for followup.  After going back the next day we heard the same thing - could be an erratic breather, could be from fluid, actually not quite sure, but go home, it'll clear up, and he'll be fine.

Now at this same time we had also noticed something else that we were concerned about.  Logan was born with a sacral dimple at the base of his spine.  This can be nothing, and it can also be a sign of spina bifida.  We were scheduled in for an ultrasound to check into it. 

A week after our trip to emerg, Logan's breathing rate still hadn't gone down.  After all our issues with Tyler and assuming at the beginning that nothing was actually wrong, I really didn't want to take that chance with Logan.  We were referred to a pediatrician and went to see her the next day.  She took a look at Logan and suggested that we go for a cardio appointment, and possibly another chest xray. 

We were able to get into cardio the next day (again, likely because of Tyler's history).  Praise the Lord, it came back clear.  The next day we went back to the hospital for the ultrasound.  The pediatrician had also noticed some other suspicious signs pointing towards spina bifida so I did not go into the appointment feeling confident.  The appointment itself did nothing to ease my worry as they spoke in hushed tones, couldn't tell me anything about what they saw, and then proceeded to make us wait 9 days for the results.  Apparently the results got lost somewhere and had to be re-requested. 

Those nine days wore terrible.  We looked at Logan with no idea if he was healthy.  We didn't feel like we had the energy to handle another sick child. 

This past friday we got the phone call that he's all clear.  Praise the Lord.  I have spent the last 3 weeks in a pretty constant state of worry.  It seems that his breathing rate has gone down, though we still have nothing confirmed as to what was really going on.  His dimple and other possible signs are all harmless.  Deep breath.

This week has been BLAZING hot here and without AC, we've been forced out of our house and over to Mitch's parent's place where there is a wonderful backyard, kids' pool, and AC.  It has been a really good time of relaxing, regrouping, and rest.  So thankful for madatory stillness.  It's been needed for all of us.  Mitch's mom has been cooking for us, giving me a hand with the boys, and just being good support. 

So today I reflect again on what I'm thankful for.  Beautiful HEALTHY boys, great family, a rock of a husband who walks beside me, wonderful hot weather, and a gracious God who will not give us more than we can stand.